F. Scott Fitzgerald - "My Lost City"

"I remember riding in a taxi one afternoon between very tall buildings under a mauve and rose sky; I began to bawl because I had everything I wanted and knew I would never be so happy again."

New Years Resolution

I can breathe again, I can breathe again! Literally, I've felt so suffocated for the past few months but I realize now that I'm the only one who's fault that is. I have been so careful to not fall into old patterns and traps but I know now that I am missing a lot of the things that I had. I am finally learning that sometimes it's not always about moving on and forgetting certain things, it is truly about facing every single hardship and just admitting to yourself that in order to truly move on, you must accept they happened. 

You can waste a lot of time blaming others for the bad shit that happens to you and you can spend a lot of your days and nights wondering why it's all happening at all. But truthfully, it won't go away and your headache won't go away until you sit down and realize that you need to take initiative. I can honestly say that I've been shying away from my problems and that I chose a path that not only made my situations worse but also gave me absolutely zero benefits. Staying resentful and bitter leaves you with no reward whatsoever. You must face those hardships. You must grab them and shake them and cry and scream and then...you must silence them. And the only way to silence them, is if you silence yourself. The way to silence yourself is to admit things to yourself. And I have finally admitted things to myself.

This was not all your fault. I am sorry for making you feel that way. This is my fault too. I have been ridiculous. And I know it's taken me a really long time to realize this but, "better late than never." And I will spend a long time repaying you for all the hell you've been through. Not only with me but just...ever. Because that's what we do for each other. You are a fucking great person and I admire you so much.

So, here's my New Years Resolution: I will make it up to you. I owe you that much.

Parents.

"i think its a lot harder for adults to come to realizations and then implement their relizations

because most adults have a concrete view of things

and that they aren't malleable enough to really institute dramatic change

with kids or young people

its a lot easier

we can look at something and say hey, lets fix that we have a whole live ahead of us, we'll build our lives better than they were before now that we have had this realization

with adults its a lot harder

its harder for them to be convinced because i feel people reach a certain point where they think they are at a point of no return

but thats not to say that you can't be an example for them

you are the only one capable of inspiring them

because you are their everything"

Who
would
think
my
life
could
change
this
much?
It's incredible to think one thing can change your entire world.

I really don't know if I'll ever be able to let go of this.

I wish you weren't so fucking complicated.
Your stupid expectations.

"you're obviously really happy now and it's not worth wasting that over worrying about something that is in a while and is gonna be hard to change"

"i know, you only really start to realize it as you get closer and closer to leaving
i think about the city every day

and i think it might just be the most emphatic place in the world

and you know what, at some point you realize

how lucky we have been to grow up here

and to call a place like NYC our home

when my plane was coming in

we flew past all the buildings

and it was absolutely amazing, this place is a man made miracle"

Anya Urcuyo

Literally, I've never seen a girl smack all external opinions and go with pure instincts more than this girl. She literally takes anything that stands in her way and pushes her way through it. Every accomplishment in her life has been rightly deserved. To one of the most important people in my life, I really am so incredibly proud and happy for you for getting into NYU. 

I don't know where you get all that happiness. But anyone can see that every positive emotion is literally bubbling inside of you, waiting to explode. Anyone can tell that you are one of the most sincerely kind people out there. And because of that, you will be successful in everything you do as the years go on. Never lose that charismatic aspect of yourself because it's literally what fuels you as a person and what fuels people around you. I know that if it weren't for you, I probably wouldn't have been able to get through a lot of difficult situations. I really appreciate you as a friend and for being a sister to me. Congratulations, Anya Urcuyo. 

Going back to the Studio

So I'm going back to the studio tomorrow and to be perfectly honest, I am terrified. This time, I'm not just doing some cover of some song. This time, I'm literally recording my own song. Just the piano and I. And it's so scary to think that I can't just be like "Oh it's a cover by so and so." Once this is out there (if it gets put out there), my vulnerability is also out there for grabs. 

The song is called "In Sync." It's written for someone...someone who has pretty much changed a lot for me this year, and in the most positive way possible. This song has probably been the easiest one that I've ever written. That's probably mostly due to the fact that I was completely and utterly inspired and fired up as I was writing it. At first, it wasn't easy at all. Actually, it was kind of hard to sing without choking up and getting  emotional. But then, I sat back on the stool and started writing again and it came to me fluidly. 

So excited. And So frightened. At the same exact time.

Hammock

Why do you sit there, so tranquil and glorious?
The bolts are unhinging
The glass is slowly splitting
But you sit there, curved in a grin
You sit and sit

And then, I sit
The placidness spreads
So I understand
Now I do
That your simple purpose is peace

New Light

Okay so far all I've written about is how badly I just want to get this year over with and leave to go to college. Obviously, I'm excited. But more than ever, I've never wanted to stay here at home so badly. I think it mostly has to do with how perfect my life is right now. I have amazing people in it and great support and I've just never felt so comfortable in my own skin. I think that this is the year where we realize that we're truly running out of time...that we're about to start an entirely new life, a new path and a new personality. So, it's kind of interesting and incredible to see how people are letting themselves develop in ways that four years ago, we probably would've never predicted. People are really taking initiatives to be who they want to be. 

I'd like to think that this year, I'm one of those people who is trying to make out the best of this year. I'm trying not to let anything get in the way of the happiness of those around me and myself. The fact that I've completely recreated my environment and my perspective in only the first three months of senior year makes me wonder about how much more I can make of New York City. This brings me back to my initial thought...I am going to really miss this place. I don't know if if I'll miss the city itself but I think I'll definitely regret not being able to take full advantage of the city. I mean, I still have time left. But New York City is vast and unimaginably never-ending. So, it's difficult to say that I will ever be fully satisfied with how much I've seen of it. 

That's the wonder of NYC. It's the city that doesn't sleep. And perhaps it doesn't sleep because the people in it just don't want to. Every moment of sleep means a moment wasted of taking advantage of its streets, of its people, of its diversity...of its marvels. It keeps us awake. It keeps us alive. It keeps us hungry to discover more of everything around us. And yes, I think that this addiction to learning and exploring is definitely reflected in how people develop their personalities in this city. We are always trying to discover new people and explore new personalities. This city has shaped me. It has taught me that there is never a right answer...there is always a surprise just waiting for you down an alleyway or around a corner. This makes me think that no matter what, we'll always be shocked at points in our live;  there will always be surprises. We don't have all the answers. We will never truly understand ourselves. That's the beauty of it.  We can be who we want to be. New York City has let me do that. And because of this, I will miss this city. I will miss my home.

Singing

I don't know what it is about singing. I just kind of love it. It's the one thing that I like to keep as intimate as possible. I don't like flaunting it, I find a hard time doing it in public. It wasn't up until this year that I actually started singing for a few seconds in front of people. And then I sang in public for the first time like two months ago. Even if it was like four lines, it was a giant step for me. I'm not going to lie, it felt amazing. It felt empowering. And it felt like I was doing something just for the hell of it, just for me...for the first time ever.

Around two weeks ago, I went to a recording studio. It was just my dad, the producer, the microphone and I. Going up there and just doing what I wanted to do was an enriching feeling. It made me feel vulnerable and stripped down but in the most adrenaline-inducing sense. I recorded and recorded and recorded. I felt and heard the beats in every corner of my head.

I want to do this for the rest of my life. Whether it is for myself, or for the public, singing is what I want to do. I've never said this aloud. And I probably never will. But it helps that I'm writing this out because I need to make the promise to myself to not let this go. I've just realized what the point of this blog is. It's to keep every single moment and promise that I make to myself, alive. 

APPLIED

I just applied to five colleges. And wow, the feeling could not be more overwhelming. This day has been amazing. I couldn't be more happy. And thankfully, I have my friends and family to thank for all the support and love. 

This is exactly what I've been thinking

People are always shouting they want to create a better future. It’s not true. The future is an apathetic void of no interest to anyone. The past is full of life, eager to irritate us, provoke and insult us, tempt us to destroy or repaint it. The Only reason people want to be masters of the future is to change the past.

-MILAN KUNDERA

This is the quote that I've been thinking about this entire past week. The past is in the past. The future is bound to come at some point but it's not around right now...I don't have the time or fortune to be looking far ahead. I want to live in right now and I want to make the best out of the most raw and current emotions that I have at this very moment. 

Live
live
live
live
live
live
& wish
for the best
for everything
because we have limited time

so sick of wasting time
so i'm going to
live
live
live
live
live

Hoodie Allen - No Faith In Brooklyn Lyrics (HD)

Snap

Losing your temper is something incredible. It completely takes control. It consumes you.
Holy shit, it is so easy to lose your temper.
I hate that.

Hay muchas cosas corriendo por mi mente. Se me esta haciendo dificil recordar algunas cosas. Ya no recuerdo mi racional detras mis decisiones. Y aunque quiera decir que no me importe y que todo va a estar bien, tengo un miedo que me esta comiendo viva. Quiero saber que mi corazón no me vaya a tomar por sorpresa. Quiero que mi cabeza se quede donde esta ahora. Estoy feliz. Nada puede meterse por el medio. No voy a dejar que eso pase.

Skylar Grey - Words

Obsessed

I am so tired of losing people.

Lies

Lies
are disgusting
They trap you
and manipulate you
and warp you
They addict you
and pull you
back and forth
right and left
They stunt you
You believe them
And forget about truth
And most of all,
they hurt.
They stab you in the vein
and punch you in the gut
So I never lie when I say that I don't like lies
Lies lie
Because most of all, they lie to you.

Sandy the Hurricane

Sandy hit our apartment on Monday night. All the power went out in my neighborhood. I remember sitting by myself in my room and seeing every little source of light just turn off within an instant. I looked out the window and I could see one or two people running every now and then in every direction, trying to get shelter. The window panes were shaking and it felt like the glass was about to shatter.

And yet, these past four days have been the most calming that I've experienced in quite a while. I spent the past four days at my best friend's house. I've never been in such a blissful state in my entire life. Her family is like my second family at this point. And on top of that, I feel as though we're starting to build our own small family. I've never felt so at ease with people in my life.

Frank Ocean - Denim (The Lonny Breaux Collection) w/ LYRICS (FULL ORIGIN...

Obsessed with this!

Love

"But I think it's when someone motivates you rather than inspires you
Someone who motivates you to get out of the bed in the morning
Someone who has you going all over the place to find something they need
Someone who will make you go out of your way to be with them
Someone who will make you do whatever it takes to make them happy
I don't know, there's no real definition for love. Everyone has to find their own.
It's different for everyone."

I was discussing this incredibly intense topic with someone and what I got out of their opinion was that love is something that challenges us and changes us in ways that we never thought would be relevant to ourselves before experiencing it. And yeah, I don't believe there's any strict definition of it. It's just an intensified feeling of happiness, in my opinion. And each individual feels it and gets to it in completely different ways. It's the most simple yet the most complex of emotions. It can't be put into words.

Euphoria.

Frank Ocean - Hardest Thing (Prod. Midi Mafia)

Daughter - "Love"

"It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace." 

-Chuck Palahniuk

I never really understand why it got harder and harder for me to remember the really great periods in my life. Have you ever realized how much more difficult it is to pinpoint the moment when you were happiest than it is to remember the darkest point of your life? I think you do always remember the value of that happiness, however. What stays with you forever is the quality of a person you were when you were happiest. You'll always remember certain precise moments and every happy moment will flush back. But it's so hard to compare which moment was happiest because happiness is something that is bunched together. There is no way to pinpoint exactly what makes you happy because a variety things make us happy. The amount of things that make us upset and angry is much more limited. 

I wish I could remember certain memories. Like Palahniuk says, I wish I could remember what those states of peace feel like. I really do think that that is what we strive for. We strive to reach those moments of harmony and remember what it's like all over again. 

City and Colour - Hope for Now

So confused, it's beyond me

 don't even know what to do anymore.
I wish I knew the answers.
I can't handle this.
Way too much.
Overwhelmed.
Torn.

I don't think I know the difference between right and wrong. I have absolutely no answers. I keep doing things that hurt people around me and hurt me. I kind of just would like to know what the right thing to do is. And my feelings are so torn, it's ridiculous. All I know is that I have a great support system (my friends). And, I know that at the end of the day, every decision I make will definitely be chosen with all of them in mind.

Kiseok Kim

If he ever saw this, I'm pretty sure I'd die. I think he'd probably smack me (not literally). And he'd probably die cause he'd probably get so embarrassed that he wouldn't know what to do with himself. Anyways, I don't think I've had a more loyal and great friend as Kiseok. Literally, I feel as though I can always depend on him for whatever. And he has this incredible balance of maturity and immaturity that matches up perfectly with my personality. Actually love you buddy. Like the brother I never had.

Dreams

It's almost to good to be true. The way I feel right now was so unpredictable about a month ago. Literally, my heart and my body are so filled with happiness that I could explode. It's been multiple times already that I've mentioned of how much value I carry happiness out to be. Today is one of those days where my heart is palpitating so hard against the thinning cages of my chest that anyone could hear it from miles away.

Robot Necklace

So if you know me at all, you'd know that the most precious thing to me is my robot necklace. I literally never take it off. A lot of people think it looks silly because..well..it is just a little copper robot pendant on a chain. I don't know when my infatuation with it began but all I know is that one day my mom came home with it as a present for a reason that I don't remember. I would never take it off.

Today, I lost it. I should've known to take it off. I was in the middle of running when slowly I felt the chain slide down my neck and when I went to reach to grab it, the pendant was already gone. I searched and searched but I couldn't find it.

I never really thought about the value of the necklace. I never even thought about why I wore it. I just knew that it was my robot necklace that was forever engraved onto my neck. Then, upon losing it, I felt so upset that I had to question the value of it. A lot of the time I feel as though I lack consistency. Whether it's with school work, family life, sometimes even my friends, I always feel as though there is a bit of inconsistency. I had never taken a deep dependency on a human, an animal...let alone an object. The fact that I could wake up and know that I had no worry in the world as to where my robot necklace would be was, in the back of my mind, very reassuring.

I miss it.

"Everything that has hurt me, and that has made me happy is going to show today."

-Jessica Espinosa

Gone

The leaves are turning
Their unsettling colors trace your heart
My feet, like a leash, drag through them
And I watch as I tear them apart
Little by little, the leaves--
they turn from being whole to shreds
Floating away, they blow
The particles scatter and I am left with wonder
Of where they will go
Of where I will go
Of whether I should follow
or stay behind
The leaves are turning
And so have you

Found some Inspiration

Lately, I've been sitting at my piano a lot and composing. It's been a while. I lost a lot of things last year and I think that that provided a lot of inspiration for both my poetry and music. As of recently, thinking a lot about senior year and everything that I'll be losing once again soon, I have returned into my writing moods. This may also be due to the fact that I've been watching a lot of music competition shows. I've been watching both X Factor shows and The Voice. As someone who's always wanted to sing in front of an audience, I can only imagine the nerves and the anxiousness that each contestant has when standing on that stage in front of those judges. I have a lot respect for each person that can do that. It takes a lot of effort and bravery to show the most intimate of your vulnerabilities to not only four judges but also to a crowd in front of you AND an audience on T.V. I feel like I'm learning every single day just by watching each person sing. These shows teach me confidence, passion and overall, love--love for the skill of music. 

Here are a few of my favorite performances of 2012: 

^ Melanie Martinez on "The Voice"

^ James Arthur on "The X-Factor UK"

^Ella Henderson on "The X-Factor UK"

^Quatrele on "The X-Factor US"

This one, didn't really impress me musically

But the audition in itself is heartbreaking and it really shoots down those who judge at first sight

I think that's what art can do

It can surprise us in the most unexpected places

There's definitely something incredibly unsettling about senior year, to say the least. It doesn't seem as though I'm enjoying it too much. Most of the time, I'm just thinking about how much I miss certain people. I'm always wishing for them to be here, whether it's physically or mentally. Sure, this is a year to celebrate how far we've all gotten and how much there is ahead of us. But, I don't know how much I can enjoy this year without some people in it.

COLLEGE

oh my god
if i hear one more thing about college
and it's requirements:

act
sat II's
college essay
teacher recommendations
parent recommendations ??????
counselor recommendations
deadlines

....I will shoot someone

Yellow Dragon

There's a yellow dragon on my wall
It is right beneath the christmas lights
but it shines through to the other side

A yellow dragon on my wall
It breaths fire onto paper
And somehow jumps to life

This yellow dragon on my wall
Let it breathe light
Onto me and "goodluck," it speaks

September

woke up just in time

the leaves were spreading across the pavement

they were bitter and were brown

the summer was all dormant on the great apple's front

your lips, too, were numb, without sound

and my back against your wall was pressed 

hoping it would crumble down

i'd hoped the tale like cinderella's would last

that the white horse would come to rescue

but your mind was somewhere else

and beauty, she was sleeping, was awoken

and i woke up just in time

to realize that these leaves were nor bitter nor brown

but were simply far, 

without a token to come around

Dear ItDoesn'tMatterWhoYouAre,

I want you to know that you pretty much saved me out of a really dark abyss that I had wandered into. You'll never know that you did this for me and nobody will ever understand how or why. The point is that two years ago, you pulled me out of a horrible place by simply teaching everything you embody. The fact that you are shameless when it comes to throwing yourself out there based on pure instinct amazes me every single day. And, I think that although instinct is something that is so basic and alluring, instinct is also a path that, in some cases, causes a lot of regret.. But, even further, you taught me that those regrets are not something to be ashamed of. They are something to grow from, they are something to live with and they are what make you. So, thank you...it doesn't matter who you are. What matters is that I know and appreciate what you've done.

Robot Love - Allison Iraheta (Full HQ)

Sounds exactly like Pink

Better Barbie-Best College Essay I think I've Ever Read

Better Barbie

I don’t have any alumni ties to Brown, though it’s possible I could be the long-lost granddaughter of James S. Miller. Never have I sailed the Pacific Ocean on the back of a humpback whale, nor can I wrap sushi with the skill of former Iron Chef Masaharu Morimoto. I haven’t done much research regarding podiatry, and chances are I will never win the Michigan Mega-Millions lottery. I am, however, the proud owner of a Little Mermaid Edition Barbie.

At some point in almost every little girl’s life, she becomes engrossed in the Pepto-Bismol-pink world of Barbies, a place I entered at the age of seven. My sister, Hannah, and I decided to take our collection of 11-inch plastic friends for a dip in the pool one sweltering summer day. Hours of giggling resulted from tossing the Barbies as high as we could into the air and watching them dive gracefully into the waves. Three … two … one, I launched my Little Mermaid doll in the same fashion as Apollo 11. We watched her rocket into the sky. I glanced at my sister, who was scrambling through her scorecards to make sure she had the well-deserved “10” ready. My eyes returned upward, anticipating the gymnastic stunts Barbie would undoubtedly deliver to her enraptured audience. Where was she? The crowd was growing restless. Had she landed on the moon?

Utterly bewildered, we combed through the freshly mown grass and woods, but unfortunately, our search bore no fruit. After a moment of sorrow, our tiny attention spans directed us to a different game, and our minds fluttered away.

Over the years, I encountered many of my own quirky adventures. As a field biologist intern, I camped for 15 days on an uninhabited island, purified my own water, surveyed the endangered Piping Plover, tested the water quality of lakes, and found my way out of 70,000 acres of northern Michigan wilderness. My view of the world broadened through travels and encounters with the Costa Rican, German, French, and Australian cultures. I won varsity letters, had my poetry published, and volunteered at a local hospital, and as I grew older, the mystery of the once-beloved Little Mermaid Edition Barbie faded into a misty memory.

One recent fall day, rainbow-colored leaves swirled through the air and the chilly breeze carried its pleasant scent, an amalgamation of bonfire and pumpkin. Upon the rooftop was not good Saint Nick, but rather my dad, cleaning the leaves off our house. Tied to the branch of an ancient oak tree, the tire swing moved my body in a pendulum motion. My dad approached with something dark in his hands. “Eh … does this belong to you, or Hannah?” he said with a look of perplexity painted on his face. I couldn’t believe my eyes: It was the Little Mermaid Edition Barbie! The poor girl – she was an absolute disaster. I affirmed my ownership of the traveler, and took her battered body in my hands.

Nine years had passed since I had seen the almost-world-renowned Olympic diver. I recalled that summer day and smiled as memories flooded my mind. She looked as though she’d been struck by lightning a few times, weathered heavy monsoons, and held onto the gutter for dear life during tornados. Her mangled arm appeared to have been mistaken for a worm by a ferocious momma bird. Leaves, dirt, and other debris were entwined in her once shiny, cherry locks. Her attire was tattered – she seemed to have fashioned herself a Tarzan-esque ensemble. Her ingenuity was impressive; it reminded me of an experience in which I had to craft socks out of a garbage bag and medical tape, then wear them for three days in pouring rain. Nevertheless, one thing stood out as I ogled my long-lost friend: her face.

She wore a radiant smile, a look of contentment, self-confidence, and accomplishment. With head held high and a positive attitude, she had battled life’s unexpected challenges. She knows now what it means to strive and succeed. I realized the world of pink doesn’t fit someone with so much potential, so much passion for learning, so much heart, independence, and creativity. I looked at her and saw myself reflected in her sapphire eyes.

Like her, my dreams lie far beyond those of a Stepford wife, and with the ability to bend and not break, I am ready to step out of my plastic box society, through the Van Winkle gates, and into a world of endless possibilities. I crave the works of Thoreau and Emerson, not mall directories or grocery lists. I desire adventure and the opportunity to study new cultures. I long to write what I want and voice my opinions with my whole heart behind them. And as the Little Mermaid Edition Barbie sits on my shelf, next to musical and athletic trophies, behind silly pictures of friends, and alongside books by Maya Angelou and Lewis Carroll, she reminds me of myself. For this ambitious girl, pink is not enough; she is ready to dive into Brown.

By Jesse K, Grand Ledge, MI

A Few Songs (Gonna keep adding to this)

If anyone reads my blog or really knows me then they know that I have an infatuation with music. That much is evident. My friends often tease me for singing so much and my mom is always calling me a "little bird" because I'm always whistling or humming inside the house. But a lot of the time, I catch myself just listening to a song and not really connecting to it. It's one thing to listen to a song and become attached to it...that would just be a really catchy melody. But to feel elevated and just completely overwhelmed by a song is something that I've only felt around two times. And, to be honest, I don't think these artists are well known for their songs at all. Actually, they're typically "lame" in the sense that they're strange genres and nobody really listens to them. In other words, they're not "pop".

The first time I ever felt it was with the song "Set the Fire to the Third Bar" by Snow Patrol. I kind of have a guilty pleasure when it comes to music and that guilty pleasure is when a guy and a girl mesh together singing. A lot of people think its too distracting and its hard to figure out who is more prominent in the song etc etc. But I think that it's actually really appealing and when done right, can be really harmonic. In "Set the Fire to the Third Bar", the fact that there is both a man and a woman singing makes the song all the more romantic. Had only one of them sung it, I think I would've believed the song a lot less as that of a romance and more of just another sad sappy story. The chorus is inexplicable (well, at least for me). It has the most elevating pick up. Whenever the word "arms" is said, the editor does a cool "heavenly" effect...he makes the word linger away from the chorus and it actually sounds really beautiful.

The second song that I felt the sameish feeling with was "(Kissed You) Good Night by Gloriana. Now, this song is completely cheesy. It is such a young girl's song. But again, this song has both a girl and guy in it and maybe that's why I liked it so much. Lately, I've been listening to a lot of country and I think that the instruments are actually great. The music industry lately has been so fabricated in the sense that everything is either literally composed off a computer (ex: garage band). And to hear raw instruments is kind of refreshing. I'm not really into country and to be perfectly honest, the lyrics in this song are not the best...but their voices are perfect for the melodies and because of that, I felt INCREDIBLY attached to the song. It was just really nice to listen to it.

Afrojack and Steve Aoki ft. Miss Palmer - No Beef (Vocal Mix)

Addicted
2:24 fave part

One of those Days

...When you wake so blissfully happy 

and it feels as though you're completely out of any kind of harm's way.

I feel like exploding with joy

I Was Here (United Nations World Humanitarian Day Perform...

I don't care how famous this video is right now. I try my hardest to push myself as far away from what is "pop" and in style. But shit, this video deserves as many likes and views as it possibly can. A lot of people compare Beyoncé to Rihanna, Lady Gaga etc. I really don't think she stands on the same level. Whenever I watch Beyoncé act, sing or dance, I'm always stunned by the amount of sincerity and passion she carries in her eyes, her expressions and her body language. I was asked today by someone what this song even meant. It's very simple: she expresses a level of insecurity and fear in regards to leaving this planet without leaving her own "footprint." And wow, that is relatable as hell. To know that most people on this planet are born, grow, wake up, go to sleep, and leave this earth without making much of an impact on the 7 billion human beings in the planet is a real esteem downer. For her to then share this song and compare it to the fear of those who work in the U.N. of not being able to help those in need was incredibly moving. Having been basically raised at the United Nations International School, I know that those who stand on the podium of the General Assembly only got to that spot because they were worthy of it. I'm in complete support of the I Was Here project. I hope that as I grow older, I take on some responsibilities as an activist. So, I congratulate Beyoncé for successfully passing on her message on behalf of the I Was Here project because from this day on, I will always keep in mind that my ultimate goal should and will always be to help someone out and make my mark on this earth. Thanks to this video, I believe that one day, if many people follow in these footsteps, that our marks will ripple out beyond us and in the end will, in fact, make an impact on the 7 billion (and growing) people in this world. One day, I will look back and know that if I make a difference with even one person, it will be "everything that I wanted and it was more than I thought it would be."

It's rare that one really looks into a song and understands it nowadays and feels as though one can truly relate to it. Because of this sole reason, I will forever and always love "I Was Here" by Beyoncé Knowles.

Bitterness (Rant)

When I was younger, I was involved in a lot of stupid petty pre-teen drama with girls, who to this day, I  still can't come to fully comprehend. And later on, I dealt with some pretty heavy and may I add completely avoidable and unnecessary boy drama. Even further, I then had to deal with some cousin family ridiculousness. I guess it's safe to say that I had enough reason to feel bitter and to have very little faith in relationships and friendships in general because at the time, about a year ago, I felt like I had pretty much failed at developing myself as a young adult.

However, if anything, this year has taught me to see past all issues and the complicated...to see past the jaded, faded and optimistic...to just get past all the bitterness that is thrown at you. I think that at a certain point, we must deal with the cliché "forgive and forget" phrase. A lot of us find it easy to forgive because our mind, and even our body, find it almost impossible to stay angry and afraid for long periods of time. But is forgetting as easy? Forgetting goes completely against our natural wills. It basically begs us to not justify the pain we feel. It leads us to let go of all the unavenged occurrences that have come our way. Forgetting is a talent. And throughout this past year, I really and truly believe that I have almost mastered it. And it's done miracles for me mostly cause I realized that forgetting isn't really shutting the door on one chapter; it just means opening one for you to breathe better.

The mind is something powerful because although it exists in you, it can also function, if you will it to, externally as well. I think that in order for one to forget, one must accept in the mind that forgiveness triumphs bitterness. Not forgetting will always come down to a deep down melodramatic hole. So, I think that I can successfully say that the most important lesson that I've learned throughout the whole of high school is that at the end of the day, one must make decisions that not only are most logical and most reasonable but that also satisfy one's need for happiness. I truly don't believe that one can be happy if one has merely forgiven and not forgotten. Thus, I will try to keep living a life without bitterness and thank god that I've learnt this lesson before entering my final year of high school.

So, after reading anjali's blog, in her latest blog post, she speaks about the limbo state that she has been in when thinking about the last year of high school. I agree with her in the sense that everyone will speak their minds and basically just be who they want to be. I think that, for me, my senior year at high school and my development as an adult will be about letting go of everything that has gone wrong and looking at the upside (I know, cheesy) of every single thing because at the end of the day, bitterness only drags you down.

More Fear

I promised myself on new years that I would stop putting in effort with people who don't return it back. I think I just don't respect people who claim they care when they only check in your life every once in a while. It's is one thing to have a reason to be distant. But you can't call yourself close to a person if you don't know about the big stuff in their life. The ones who matter in the end are the ones that you made matter. I promised myself that the ones that I thought would count, I'd make the effort with. And those who didn't reciprocate it, well...basically...see you.

Recently, I've been thinking: "I'm not about to change that." But, I think that the scariest thing is when someone comes and shakes every philosophy that you have. The one who comes along and makes you become skeptical of what you were skeptical about in the first place...well yeah--that person is the one you're going to have to fear. I don't have time to be skeptical of myself. And now,

I'm scared.

To those people who have been a part of the 9 thousand something hits on my blog, buy this

http://www.ebay.com/itm/110937861460?ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT&_trksid=p3984.m1555.l2649#ht_500wt_1085

My object book I blogged about a while back!

College Touring

• Vassar
• Skidmore
• Hamilton
• Colgate
• Bard
• Dickinson
• Trinity
• Boston College
• Boston University
• Northeastern
• Smith
• Mount Holyoke
• George Washington University
• McGill

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." 

-Anatole France

Let the Senior Year Begin

So I've been writing my extended essay. And I started with this thesis: The division that Robert Frost creates between mankind and nature. I started writing the entire thing and I got a good 800 words in, and suddenly I realized that my entire essay had changed into: The recurring theme of "All is not what it seems" in Robert Frost's poetry. Then, I wrote more and realized that that is utter bullshit because every poem is a metaphor and basically, every poem is not what it seems. So, I changed it to: The relationship that Robert Frost creates between mankind and nature. Hopefully, this will work.

Whatever you describe to another person is also a revelation of who you are and who you think you are. You cannot describe anything without betraying your point of view, your aspirations, your fears, your hopes Everything.

-James Baldwin

Florida

I think I'm done with the bitterness.

We fought. We made up. 

And at the end of the day, you're not a bad person.

So, I'm gonna let go of all the past feelings.

And, accept that you're the closest family that I've got. 

I love you, cuz. 

Crossroads

i feel as though this summer has been the breaking point.
I think for the first time in my life, I'm going through actual...big changes.
And boy, is it scary.

Happiness and Heaven

A lot of people tend to think of Heaven and Hell as places that are diagnosed to a being based on their actions. Good actions and good intention take you on the path to heaven. Bad actions and bad intention take you on the path to hell. However, how are we to actually know where we're supposed to go if there is not an "official" person to tell us where we're going. So, I guess that the real question is how to define heaven (which by the way I link directly to happiness).

Firstly, I'll have to define happiness. Once, in philosophy, I remember having heard my professor telling us (based off a text of course) that those who feel guilt, know that they are not doing something right in the first place. And because of that guilt, they'll never feel true happiness. I think that that is entirely true. I think truth is complete happiness. I don't mean attaining the complete knowledge blah blah blah that Plato talks about. I'm talking about the kind of basic truth that we learn when we're younger: do not lie. For example, if one is lying to a friend about a secret or to their parents about what they're doing, then can we really feel fully happy if we are indirectly disappointing those people? Regardless of the amount of pleasure or conceived happiness that we believe we are feeling, at the end of the day...we are lying and at the end of day...we will reflect back and realize that what we are doing will in one way or another hurt somebody/something. And, that = unhappiness. If we don't lie, whether it is to others or to ourselves, I think it is possible to attain true happiness. Deciding whether not to lie or to lie, believe it or not, does not happen in heaven. It happens right on this earth. It happens when we're alive.

Moving on...in my belief, heaven is simply a state of mind. It is merely the way one feels about themselves. There is no one in this world that has the job of diagnosing people heaven or hell. Thus, we must leave it to ourselves (and maybe even our own intuition) to decide where we're going. Judging oneself is the only way we can attain our own states of heaven. Relieving ourselves of guilt leads us on our way to happiness. Therefore, heaven does not give us happiness. It is not a consequence of what we do on this earth. Happiness or unhappiness is the consequence of what we do on this earth. Happiness gives us heaven. Heaven does not give us happiness. 

So, I've come up with the theory that heaven is not a place that we go to get the happiness we deserve. It is, instead, a place that we go to based off the amount of happiness we create for ourselves in this world. In my opinion, we build our own heaven and hells without even realizing it...what we make of this world and what we make of every day yields our future. Be happy, is my conclusion.

"There's not a day where I don't remember May
Or the atmosphere's feel when you knew we'd have to walk away
But I will wait until the feather has lost its rays"

Batman

Unusually enough, I felt oddly inspired by the latest Batman movie. I re-watched the two films before it and then watched the final one, and I realized that there was one main message that the movie seemed to convey: It's not always about the malicious things you've done or about the secrets that you tend to keep, it's more about the good things that you have done that define you. Several times during the movies, people questioned who he was and whether the world would truly appreciate Batman if he did not reveal his face. Is it a question of who you are? Or is a question of what you do? And the only answer that solves that question is: "They know exactly who he is. He is the Batman" (commissioner Gordon). I think that as corny and cheesy as that may be, it sends a strong...no...intense new vision about how to forgive and how to look at things in an entirely new light.

I guess, that the only way that I can truly explain it is by using another movie reference. In the Vow, the main girl discovered that her mom had been cheated on by her dad. Unable to understand how she could forgive him, her mom simply answered by saying (well...along the lines of): "I chose to forgive him for everything he had done right as opposed to the one thing he had done wrong." And, although in some ways it may be completely unhealthy to think that way, what I have learned from the Batman and from the Vow is that it is much easier, much less energy consuming and much better for yourself to leave the analytics behind. The details should not matter that much. We should look at things as a whole and weigh out the pro's and con's of a situation. I think that if the pro's outweigh the con's...then happiness is bound to come out of forgiving due to those odds.

The good defines you. The bad does not. Regardless of whether or not your mask will always hide your alter ego, the good that you perform with the mask on should always be enough.

Completeness

I honestly owe this calm and amazing summer to these three girls. And now 2/4 of us are leaving. 

Stability or Surprise

I really couldn't say which one I'd like more: surprise or stability. I guess to a certain extent, stability seems so endearing. I mean, who wouldn't want to feel safe and secure? I guess, from my perspective, repetitiveness tends to be incredibly relieving. There is literally nothing to throw you off balance or take your emotions on a trip over the tides of the ocean. You just know what to expect. And in the mean time, you know that you don't have to worry about your environment or the future; you can literally just concentrate on the present and now. Stability allows you to make room for yourself...it lets you develop your personality and gives you enough space to test different versions of it. Suddenly, all that is finite about stability becomes an infinite amount of relaxation; a means of comfort. If we're not looking for comfort throughout our lives...if we're not looking for something that allows us to take a break from the hectic nature of ourselves, then what else are we looking for?

But, I guess that at the same time, the human brain is only excited and is only truly alert when slammed with a dose of adrenaline. A challenge is what a surprise poses and if anyone truly knows me, then they know that I can get a bit competitive sometimes. Because of that, surprises have a certain allure to me. They have the aura of uncertainty and to not know what comes next ignites some fear--but the good kind of fear--the kind that I honestly believe every person should experience. I think that imbalance and a complete 360 degree turn in one's stability can cause one to either doubt oneself for the better and for the worse. The good kind of doubt is what makes surprises so incredibly worth-living. 

Thus, here is my problem. 

50 Cent ft. Lupe Fiasco - Through the Window [HD]

What these next three months are going to be composed of

• Dancing
• Late night movies
• The river
• Buttercup Bake Shop
• Building stoops
• North Moore between Hudson and Greenwich
• Blue christmas lights
• Writing poems
• Writing lyrics
• Cuddling with my madre and padre
• License
• Atlantis
• Getting dark
• Snuba Diving
• Meeting family
• Singing...a lot
• Missing people

I don't believe in independence

I guess I'll still use the word independent every now and then. However, I've recently decided that I really don't believe in independence. See, independence kind of insinuates that the person who attains that characteristic is separate from everyone and everything around he/she. I really believe that the only way that one can really become "distinct" from a crowd is from, ironically enough, observing and living within a crowd of people. I can honestly say that I'm about to go into my fourth year of high school and every year I feel as though I've grown little by little in synchronization with the people around me. My friends, teachers and parents have guided me and helped me in ways that are incomprehensibly strengthening. It would be a lie to say that I have built my character by myself because maybe, 2/3 or maybe all of who I am is honestly due to them.

So, dependency to a certain extent is independence.
I don't like that word.

Bringing back the old tumblr link

sweetcollision.tumblr.com

Mat Kearney - City of Black and White (A tribute to Lisbon)

Every Song Ends, is That Any Reason Not To Enjoy the Music?

Wish this was still alive on my wall

Summer

Just doesn't make me want to grow up.

So much time.

To waste.

I love summer.

SummerStage

So, since last August, I had been looking for internships and jobs. I had been looking in all the wrong departments. I was searching to work in a lab or a record label or something huge. And suddenly, someone mentioned something about Summerstage volunteering in Central Park and I realized that the best things don't need searching. This volunteering job came to me and it is actually so amazing. Listening to free music and just hanging out with people who are all there for the same reason: music...it's just amazing.

Childish Gambino - Outside

City Parks Foundation » Alabama Shakes / Diamond Rugs / Robert Ellis

City Parks Foundation » Alabama Shakes / Diamond Rugs / Robert Ellis

Working at this concert!
Come watch

This is probably going to get quoted in every publication just because I said it. And I’m not even saying anything. I’m not talking about my films, I’m not talking about my life, and I’m not talking about the world. And yet, the media will print it simply because I said it. And at this moment in time, I bet there is an artist around the corner of this hotel, on the street, with a mind far beyond ours, but we will never listen to him simply because he has not appeared in a movie. And that is what is fucked up about our culture.

- Robert Downey Jr. 

Juanes

"Tu piel tiene el color de un rojo atardecer
Y es por ti
que late mi corazón
Y es por ti
que brillan mis ojos hoy
Y es por ti
Que he vuelto a hablar de amor
Y es por ti
Que calma mi dolor
y cada vez que te busco."

The Road Not Taken

For some reason, no matter how cliché this poem may be, I will always end up coming back to it. Not only is it now going to take over my life seeing as a majority of my extended essay is going to be on it, but I felt like I had to write/share what this poem seems to convey.

The Road not Taken seems to be about a man that has to choose between two paths that lay before him. He ends up choosing one in the end and teaches us that the road he took was worth everything he has now. Yet, what I learned this year was that the poem is a trick. It ends with a hopeful finish..."And that has made all the difference." But, what Robert Frost apparently really wanted to say was...how will you ever know that the path you took is as great as you make it out to seem if you never took the other path to compare it to? Is the life you chose really everything you think it is? Have you really reached your true potential? 

I guess that this poem really slapped me in the face. When I envision poetry, I envision it as a soliloquy of our souls...it is just our words and our most inner thoughts being compressed into the most beautiful of all words. The Road not Taken does everything but that. It is coated with the most supernatural imagery and the most incredible of all metaphors and beneath it all, it's just like..."You can hide yourself with all this beauty but face it, life is not all that we make it out to be." So, ever since I really understood this poem, I started to become allured by all poems and novels and even songs that slapped me in the face with realism. 

Through poems like the Road not Taken, I came up with a final thesis for my extended essay: The division that Robert Frost creates between mankind and nature. For the first time in a while, I'm finally inspired to write.

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.	20

I'll make it my duty to capture every single 4th of July
Because I've just come to realize that it is actually just my favorite holiday

"We are only beginning to learn what to say in a photograph. The world we live in is a succession of fleeting moments, any one which might say something significant." - Alfred Eisenstaedt

The Killers - Joy ride (Album Version)

Things I miss about my childhood

Tamagotchi
I remember the phase when everybody had one of these.
Everyone would walk around and face the red beams at each other.
Now, apparently, they can barely fit in your palm. 

Moon Boots.
I don't know why. But these shoes were actually in style at one point.
So many young girls would wear them.
The boots were 3x their legs. 

Cardboard Robots.
This is a memory that probably only pertains to me.
Considering I'm an only child,  I had to find ways to entertain myself when I was bored.
I really liked to make creative things and so, cardboard robots, I found, were fun to make.

Mr. Sketch Scented Markers
My dad would get me these almost every month.
They smelled amazing. Each color smelled of a different fruit.
Still find them lying around my house sometimes.

Ring Pops. 
Ring pops, along with Baby Bottle Pops, were raging in the market at one point.
As kids, a lot of us would "propose" to each other with them.
Most portable/convenient candy ever. 

The Wild Thornberries.
Finally, this one is definitely the most missed.
The Wild Thornberries was on every single day on nickelodeon and it was my absolute favorite show.
After it stopped running, The Wild Thornberies movie came out and then the Rugrats crossover.
But, the show never came back, regardless of its popularity.

Mama Says

She wakes up singing
Like a bird, she whistles until the cheek skin chafes
And she rises with the palpitating sun
Falls back with the lullabies of the moon
The melodies pumping inside her head
Racing, racing, racing--
Mama says, she turns her lights out with the voices of the comets