Let it go

It's probably best that everything just passed through me. Not letting anything sink in anymore. Not going to feel it anymore. Just let it pass right through. Nothing has to affect me anymore if I don't let it. Nothing really has to break my heart or make my head churn anymore. Just gotta let it pass on through.

Possibilities

One of the things that this new experience at university has taught me is to not be afraid of anything novel. After being in a new country, which regardless of being so close to the US still has many different customs, I have this new hunger to travel and work. I have these plans for the next three or four years and I'm just ridiculously excited for what's in store. Even though I love what I'm studying and I have a burning passion for Psychology, I can't picture myself studying for three or four years straight. So yes, a gap year is something that I'm definitely contemplating. And after that producer messaged me looking to create an album, I decided that music is a part of me and that I can't just ignore it regardless of being a full time student. After getting into music this semester, I really would like to dedicate myself completely to music for a semester or two. So yes, that is a potential idea for a gap year. It would be a different yet good experience for me I think. It's nice and inspiring to be constantly surrounded by people who love music. My RA matched the "music kids" into two floors. Walking onto my floor and hearing guitars and singers…it's definitely grown on me. But what I truly want to thank them for is giving me the confidence this semester to actually explore what I really love. I had a hard semester. There were a lot of things going on, things that I didn't lead a lot of people on about. In fact, the past five months have just been really rough. Sometimes I listen to people on the radio and TV say that music "saved their lives." I always thought that was a little melodramatic. And maybe music hasn't literally saved my life, but it has definitely become what I displace all my energy into. And this energy includes all the bad energy and despair that I had to deal with this semester. I know that it's going to get a lot harder next semester but the only thing that has got me coming back is the fact that I now have something to rely on; something that I know will make me completely happy all the time. For a while there, I lost my way. I didn't know what I wanted and I didn't know what my priorities were. But after I got back into music and I moved to Canada, I realized that there is more to the world--more to me--than I had even anticipated. Sometimes it's easy to believe that you can't move past the things that you think define you. But it's possible. It's possible to gather enough strength to break free from the things that may confine you. It's okay to reach out to something new. So, this next semester is to escaping what confines me. It's to not letting specific things define me. This next semester is not about relying on others or other things; it's about relying on me. 

"Say something, I'm giving up on you"

Feels like this song is speaking my mind.

Couldn't find a song that depicts my thoughts right now better. 

"You're better for them when you're living your dreams. And there's nothing selfish about that."

Leaving in 5 Days

Who would've known that it would be scarier to go back…That I feel safer here and that all that keeps me stable is just not there. I get to go home and see the most important people in my life. Too excited for that. But who would've known that I feel better here.

Let the Finals Begin

So, it's been a good three months and a half…ish of McGill. And finally, all the work that I've put in these last months is going into these next 12 days. They're going to be so stressful and so hard but I am just going to do the best I can. Hopefully, they'll go on. In 12 days, I'll be home. I'll get to see my friends, my boyfriend, my family. It'll be so amazing. I'll get to see New York City again. I'll miss my room here, my friends, my family here. But one of the exciting parts about going back home is the fact that I won't have to worry about any work or having a short amount of time (although it still kind of is). I'll just get to concentrate on having a great time. TOO PUMPED.

Stay Tuned

http://paolandreamusic.tumblr.com

The Offer

So, two days ago I got a message from a music producer who was offering to produce an album for me. It meant guaranteed original songs, a guaranteed band to back up my vocals, a professional recording studio, and connections. He was not just any producer; he had networking and I knew that If I were to take a chance with him, that something huge could happen. I was ecstatic at first and then it hit me that if I truly and really wanted to, my entire world could change in the blink of an eye. I was actually filled with hope that I could pursue my dream if I wanted to. For two nights straight, I went to sleep dreaming about a new life in which I didn't have to worry about school work, just one in which I could record for a living. The producer's studio is in Burbank, California--a suburb right outside LA. Suddenly, I was picturing myself taking a gap semester or year, just living in a small studio in LA, waking up and falling asleep to music. I'm a year ahead in college and if I truly wanted to, I could go to LA and come back in time to graduate with all my friends. I could've gotten the life I wanted. I had it all planned out for two days.

And then, things got more complicated.

Feel-Good Acoustic Pop

The past week or two has consisted of me putting together a compilation of songs to record. After creating a list, I realized that they all have a common genre. And, this was a great revelation to me. I finally know the genre that I would like to pursue in music: Feel-Good Acoustic Pop.

Latch - Disclosure ft. Sam Smith (Diogo Piçarra & Cláudio Martins Cover)

"Bubbly" Music Video (Colbie Caillat Cover) by Paola Andrea and Ben Onaindia

Been waiting for this to come out for so long

So proud of Natalia Ramirez--you did an amazing job

Some Covers from the Studio

James Vincent McMorrow - We Don't Eat

All of me
Is all for you

Just so that I remember to read this myth again in the future

Myth of Demeter of Persephone

In the complex myth of Demeter and Persephone, there is a theme present: the relationship between life and death. Persephone causes despair for Demeter, her mother, after Hades takes her forcefully into the underworld to be his wife. This myth creates juxtaposition: the life (fertility) that comes out of the death of her childhood and relationship with her mother (losing her virginity).

            In Greek culture, when a girl becomes married and thus, loses her virginity, a metaphorical death occurs. This is the death of childhood. A main purpose of marriage in Greek culture is to keep the family line alive. In ancient times, childbirth often meant death. Therefore, along with the death of childhood or the “plucking” of the flower, marriage meant literal death. In this sense, life is usually a product of death.

Persephone, as portrayed in this myth, is connected to the cycles of earth. While Persephone is in the underworld, Demeter, as “ripener of bountiful harvests” (5) denies the blooming of seeds and crops—this is the phase of winter. Upon Persephone returning to the world of immortals, crops are once again restored to the mortals—she is thus the bringer of spring. Because of this cycle, it can be easily interpreted that not only is Persephone a representation of Greek women but she is also a representation of the life cycle. When coming back to earth, it is as if she a symbol of birth. When returning to Hades’ lair as his wife, she is mimicking the phase of death. The fact that Persephone’s heart is “warmed at the message” (336) that Hades tells Persephone demonstrates that Greeks perhaps do not view death as the worst of things.

            Furthermore, Demeter herself is a symbol of Greek beliefs. Greeks often had to accept that death was a common thing, especially amongst women who had to bear children. Demeter’s compliance to Persephone living in the underworld for one third of the year is in itself a reflection of the way that Greeks had to come to terms with death. Death is part of the life cycle and Demeter’s progression of acceptance of her daughter’s metaphorical death represents this.

         Demeter and Persephone’s myth is a perplexing myth that touches on the relationship between girls and mothers in ancient Greece, the life cycle and the acceptance of death. Therefore, this myth clearly depicts the relationship between life and death. 

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug - Ed Sheeran "I See Fire" [HD]

Darius Rucker - Wagon Wheel

28 More Days

Taylor Swift - The Last Time ft. Gary Lightbody

What Now by Rihanna

Last night was amazing

Video coming out soon
SO proud of my friend Ben. He actually outdid himself. Came to the recording studio with me, played the guitar. Made something more out of the song that I could've never imagined or anticipated. I really didn't want to do a karaoke version and he actually made it ten times better. Great musician, great friend. Loving my time here. 

Best Party Cities

http://guyism.com/lifestyle/advice/the-50-best-party-cities-in-the-world.html

Oliver Window Holmes

"Many people die with their music still in them. Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live. Before they know it, time runs out."

Darkroom Vs. Recording Studio

So, around three or four years ago, I would've said that one of my favorite places to be in would be a darkroom. I wrote a post a while back about how much I loved it; you literally get to watch something transform itself in the most magical way. However, if you were to ask me today what my favorite place is it would have to be a recording studio. Usually, I'm pretty shy about performing or just singing in front of people. Sure, I'll mess around and sing casually around my friends and family but it'll never be to my highest potential. In the studio, I don't feel restricted at all. And now, in two days, I get to go with one of my really good friends and record.

What's so great about a recording studio? I don't know....I guess I feel comfortable in my own skin there. Performing for the acappella groups killed my passion for singing for a while but maybe it's because I'm not ready to sing for other people yet...I just need to sing for myself.

Going to a recording studio this saturday...
So excited....

It's not fair.
It's not fair.
It's not fair.
It's not fair.
It's not fair.
It's not fair.
It's not fair.
It's not fair.

Tori Kelly - Dear No One (Official Video)

Take all of your so-called problems
Better put 'em in "quotations"

"Today is our time
Days like these--lead to,
Nights like this--lead to,
Love like ours,
You light the spark in my bonfire heart.
People like us, we don't--
Need that much,
just someone starts--
starts the spark in our bonfire hearts."

Bonfire Heart-James Blunt

4 Years With This Blog

So, today marks the official date of my fourth year with this blog. On November 3rd, 2009, I opened it up. Really, it was just an attempt of getting my just-out-of-pre-teen thoughts out. I don't really know what I really saw this blog becoming but all I know is that it is one of the things that has remained constant and one of the things that I can look back and feel good about. I literally have written about every impacting person in my life in this blog, whether they are are still in it or not. I've recorded my photography phase in this blog, my poetry phase, my philosophical phase and many more. I've written about heart aches as well as the happiest moments of my lives. It is written proof of the hardest phase of my adolescence as well as the recovery phase of it. I've posted about songs, movies and places that I've fallen in love with. 

But most of all, I can look back at these four years and see an honest version of myself. I'll be able to look at this blog and see everything that made me passionate and hateful. I'll be able to read a post and truly flashback to the moments when I wrote them. And although blogs are a common thing for people to have, I feel as though my blog is a unique part of me. Over the years, I've grown more and more attached to it and this is seen through the increasing amount of posts over the years. I hope that this trend will keep going regardless of the busy times that I know I will encounter in the next few years. Regardless of what this blog turns into--whether I drop it or not in the future, I know that I had a great four years with it and that is really all that matters to me. 

To four more years. 

Responsibility

So, one of the things that I realized in these past couple of weeks is that responsibility isn't particularly about doing things all by yourself. Responsibility shouldn't have to correlate with independence at all. Actually, responsibility is accepting that sometimes you do need help and you do need support. I've decided that from here on out, all my choices will have to come down to ultimatums. I really don't know if I have room to wait around for things to change. I need to make these changes myself and stick to my decisions. Responsibility is truly just sacrificing some things in turns of others; others that will in the long run (hopefully) make huge impactful influences on your life.

I will listen to this over and over again

"So hold on tight I'll be there soon"

John Mayer - Clarity

My Amazing Roommate

How different my college experience would have been thus far if I didn't have her...
Best roomie ever

Demeter and Persephone

I begin to sing of rich-haired Demeter, awful goddess -- of her and her trim-ankled daughter whom Aidoneus [Hades]  rapt away, given to him by all-seeing Zeus the loud-thunderer. Apart from Demeter, lady of the golden sword and glorious fruits, she was playing with the deep-bosomed daughters of Oceanus and gathering flowers over a soft meadow, roses and crocuses and beautiful violets, irises also and hyacinths and the narcissus which Earth made to grow at the will of Zeus and to please the Host of Many [Hades], to be a snare for the bloom-like girl -- a marvellous, radiant flower. It was a thing of awe whether for deathless gods or mortal men to see: from its root grew a hundred blooms and it smelled most sweetly, so that all wide heaven above and the whole earth and the sea's salt swell laughed for joy. And the girl was amazed and reached out with both hands to take the lovely toy; but the wide-pathed earth yawned there in the plain of Nysa, and the lord, Host of Many, with his immortal horses sprang out upon her -- the Son of Cronos, he who has many names.  

--

My favorite myth so far. 

My Baby :) One Year

We're kinda gross
I love you
So much

10.22.12

So much

I can't even begin to count how many things are running through my mind. I just want to go back home and not worry about anything for a few days. I really don't feel like I can escape any of these thoughts on my own.

Get Lucky // George Barnett

Work Load

How do I put this...
Ummm...
I've never been so frustrated in my whole entire life. I honestly don't even know where to begin anymore. Piles on piles on piles of work. No matter how hard you work here, it really all comes down to whether you tested well. You can cram your head with information but if you the shit you didn't study is on the test, you are so fucked it is ridiculous. Having such a hard time adjusting to the work load...
How do I even tell my parents this shit...

Avril Lavigne - Let Me Go ft. Chad Kroeger

Avril Lavigne is BACKKKK
and once again, in love with a song that has a guy and girl singing together

One of the most amazing days of my life

And I can't even share it with one of the most important people in my life.

I am going to miss you so much, SHUBZ & CHUBS FOREVER

Dear Shiraz

How the fuck do I say bye to my best friend in the whole entire world?

Lorde - Ribs (KCRW Session) - New Song + Lyrics

By far my favorite song on the album

Conor Maynard - Royals (Cover "Lorde - Royals")

He's perfecttttttt

Philippe by Luca Repola

http://vimeo.com/lucarepola/philippe

So fucking proud of this kid. He is really going places.

Thinkin Bout You (Acoustic/Beatbox Cover) - Tori Kelly & Angie Girl

To this day I'm still mind blown by this

Eyelashes - Tori Kelly

Lorde's New Album

I am absolutely in love with her!!!!! I didn't know she was 16 too which actually really blows my mind. She's a mix of Ellie Goulding and Lana Del Rey. I actually really love her album. Buzzcut Season, White Teeth Teens, Tennis Court ....

Food

I want good food! Like now.....
So sick of cafeteria food and overpriced places...............................

Miss this one :)

"If we view outcomes as beyond our control, on the other hand, it's tempting to simply give up--indeed, it's often rational to do so."

Sonnentanz (Sun Don't Shine ft. Will Heard)

The original

Will Heard & Cara Delevingne - 'Sonnentanz' (Sun Don't Shine) Lyrics

"Through all the space and time, your love is mine. But the sun don't shine, without you
When I saw you rise the other day, I felt my worries just seemed to melt away into you"

The First

So today was one of the hardest days since I've been here. After an unsuccessful phone call, some drama on the friends front, and a day full of wondering if I'd ever get my work done, I just looked down at my textbook and straight broke down. College is SOOOOO much work. Such a wake up call. I'm not going to lie though, thank you to a very special someone (I love you so much), I felt much better. After getting a kind of get-your-shit-together pep talk from him, I actually felt like I could get through the day and get my shit done. 

Nothing is going to be easy from now on. I mean, all odds are against me right now. I'm in a university with 25,000 undergraduates. That means competition. I'm 3000(ish) miles away from you. That means distance and patience. But at the end of the day, I guess it really means just learning to be in the right state of mind. I gotta know that there will more days like this. Probably going to be hit by even worse days. It just means investing a lot of time in the things I love and need to work for. And it means knowing when I need to come up for fresh air. It's all about balance. I really need to get into the habit. 

So yeah,

today was hard.

First of many. 

More to come. 

Oh well. 

Move on. 

Conor Maynard - R U Crazy

Obssesssssseeeeeddddd

TINY RESTLESS THING

http://www.buzzfeed.com/tanyachen/pains-of-being-short-at-bars

"Hold On, We're Going Home" by Drake (Pia Mia cover)

Dyana showed me this...
I loveeeeeeee ittttttt

http://8tracks.com/chloe-strang/you-are-what-you-listen-to

Disclosure - You & Me (Flume Remix)

Nightmares

I don't really know what nightmares are all about. I actually am planning on taking a class next year on what sleep deprivation and dreams/nightmares are all about because I've been ridiculously curious. I had the worst night last night. I tossed and turned for hours and had nightmares for what seemed like hours on hours. I did go to bed really upset last night but what amazes me is that my entire day had been the completely opposite. How is it possible that something so simple and so minute in comparison to the rest of the day could completely take over the mind and as a result, the night? I actually can't wait to explore dreams in a class next year because it is actually mind blowing to me that your own mind can completely turn against you like that.

Team - Lorde (HD Lyrics)

And when everything that you originally depended on fails you, you make your own family and you make your own home.

So fucking excited for tomorrow...and so fucking nervous too. Honestly biggest leap of faith that I've taken in a while. Don't want to tell anyone about it so I don't jinx anything...

.

Can't sleep...
Two nights in a row
This is just not good.

!!!!! No Angels (TLC vs. The XX) - Bastille

Why Psychology

Because...
"This field can help you understand your motives, your personality, and even why you remember some things and forget others."

Undisclosed Desires - Muse

The 1975 - Undo

Intuition..

Trust your intuition. More than anything, trust that gut feeling. I keep writing about intuition in my blog but lately I just feel like I've been such a coward. I don't trust my intuition. I just play it by ear and let all this shit happen. I should be able to be brave and actually trust what my mind and even my body is telling me.

"doesn't make sense to anybody else
who cares if you're all i think about
i've searched the world and i know now,
it ain't right if you ain't lost your mind
yeah i don't want easy, i want crazy"

Day by Day

One day good
One day bad

The first week

"This picture completely captures who we are"-Gaby

Okay so I've been at McGill for like a week and two days. Apart from Valentina, I came to McGill not knowing Liza, Anna and Gaby. I didn't know if I'd be able to find people that I'd feel comfortable with for a long time. I thought it would take forever. Yet, I've been chilling with these girls every single day since I got here basically and it feels amazing to know that I have girls that I already feel close to here, that I can talk to about anything and who I respect so much. It's nice going to a school where everyone has a incredible balance. I can go out with all of you and have so many laughs and so much fun and then there are moments when we're able to talk about school and our past lives with such maturity and seriousness. It actually makes these friendships feel so much more real. The one thing that I hated about FROSH was that everyone seemed to be really forced into being nice and crazy and although I'm sure there were a bunch of lovely people, it honestly just came off as being fake. It was hard to actually have fun with people that you didn't feel comfortable with. Yet, somehow the five of us always found each other at some point in the day and enjoyed the events in one way or another and that was what made FROSH a lot more memorable. The last night was by far my best night, probably because I was in the company of you guys and that made it all the better. To a great 3-4 years, girls.

Still Love this

uugh..

...
fuuuuuuuccccccck.

All about the mindset

I'm so happy at McGill University, I can't even begin to explain. I really feel like I found a place where I can be social and independent at the same time. It feels good to be able to be at a place where I feel so comfortable. Having a great fucking time.

.....

uuuuughh...





.

VICETONE TICKET BOUGHT!!

I'm so fucking excited. Such a good way to enter McGill. 

To be or not to be

You never know what to do in these situations. There is absolutely no way to go about these situations. There is no way to feel about these situations. There's nothing to like about these situations. There are so many things that you have to take into account for and regardless of what you want, what you need is more forceful. And sometimes, I can picture everything perfectly. I can see how easy it can be and I forgot about all the bad things. All that has happened can't just remain in the past, can it? It needs to remain vivid...it's so hard to just store everything away. How can I just store it all away?

To Claire, From Sonny

Proximity (2)

1:15
3:00

Proximity

Nikhil Pillay showed me this channel. THAAANKYOU.

Regret

I honestly can't get this one thing out of my head. I know it's going to haunt me for a long time. Feeling so guilty and so terrible holy shit....

McGill

So it's 15 days until college now. I have two weeks now. Two weeks in this city, two weeks with my friends, two weeks with my boyfriend, two weeks to essentially make everything count. I don't really know what to do in these last two weeks. I guess, like Luca said yesterday, "make the best of it." From now on, everything is going to be very real. Nothing is going to be easy anymore. Everything will be about independency. And although independency looks very appealing right now, I've gotten a little taste of that in the last two weeks and all I have to say is that it is a struggle. I'm excited though. I get to be around new people, not that I don't adore the people I'm around now. But it is always a very exciting thing to know that you'll be able to share memories and every lesson you've learned in the past 18 years with people who don't know you at all.

Trust your gut. 

El no siempre esta ahi, lo que tu buscas es el si.

Youth - Daughter

So I posted this a long time ago but it actually suits this day so perfectly. Today is a fucking good day. And I can say that because everything feels like it's changing and I feel like I haven't had this in way too long. I got a babysitting job. Got my errands and chores done. Seeing my best friend. Listening to great music. Everything is actually back to normal. So much opportunity ahead and I can finally see it all more clearly now. I will never forget a conversation that I had yesterday. It actually hit me like a brick wall. So grateful for everyone around me; I am surrounded by some fucking great people. 

• Shiraz Biran
• Anya Urcuyo
• Lauren Gurland
• Matteo Cangiano
• Marco Mosca

Thanks for getting me through shit even when you don't realize you're doing it. <3>

Samick

So my piano is officially out of my house. Currently, it's sitting in my uncle's apartment. It has stickers on the middle C and its surrounding keys. The twins are learning to play while Abdiel and Israel watch. I'm going to miss that piano but out of everyone, I am so happy that this family got my piano because I know that they'll put the instrument to good use and fall in love with it like I did. And I guess that at this point, actually...specifically today, I'm starting to accept all these changes.

I just really want to get out of here.
Run awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
Nothing is helping anymore.

Head up, Chin Up

Praying for a turn of events

LIC TRAILER 2013 - Life In Color - Rebirth Tour

I actually need to go so badly. Nowwwwwwwwwww.

Baby Clothes

So I was packing up my house today, and my mom and I came across a huge bag of my baby clothes. I don't have a phone anymore so I wasn't able to take any pictures of them but honestly, it was very hard to believe that I was ever that small. The weird part was looking at the pieces of clothing and actually having flashbacks of them. I could remember times and moments when I wore and loved certain pieces of clothes. The mind though...

Miss these movies..

http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/signs-you-grew-up-with-disney

My Dream

My dream to this day is to hop on some sort of transportation and just get lost. My friend Marco was talking to us about how one of his favorite parts of his trip was when he was in Budapest and him and his friends decided to go to the countryside of it and just walk. They ended up getting lost and to him, exploring that part of the city without the stress of a destination was undeniably worth it. I've always wanted to get stranded in some little town with great music and great people. Even if it's just for one day, I'd really want to feel as though I don't have the pressure of the city's expectations and rapid atmosphere. One of my friends from Brown was telling me about how in her town (Trumbull, Connecticut), she gets to go to little concerts and shops and small stages every single weekend to watch low-key, rising bands. I want to do that so badly! I definitely need to get out of the city soon. 

City and Colour - Hello, I'm in Delaware lyrics

From the 'Sometimes' Album, they're first one

Things to do with Shiraz Before She Leaves

• Boating in Central Park
• Broadway Musical
• Brooklyn Bridge Park (with our cameras)
• Biking around the city
• Highline
• Museum of Sex
• Life in Color Dayglow Concert
• Splish Splash Waterpark
• Color-me-mine

Imagine Dragons - On Top of the World - Lyrics

LA Film Fest (2013) - Fruitvale Station Trailer 1 - Michael B. Jordan Mo...

Watch this if you can

An Ocean Away

What I've discovered over these past (almost) 9 months is that it doesn't take two separate people to make a whole. You need two whole people who are willing to share their worlds with each other to make it work. I don't think I've ever missed anyone so much but like you said...this is the hardest yet easiest thing I've ever had to do. 

Tattoo

So, I finally just turned 18. And, for my 18th birthday, I really wanted to do something just for me. Lately, my parents and I have been arguing about what I want to pursue as a career. I would literally settle for any major they wanted. But one thing that I really want to pursue, regardless of it being simply a minor, is music. I've thought of this time and time again. People will try and strip me of my passions and my dreams as I get older. Many people will find ways to try and convince me out of the things I love. There is always a negative side to everything. One thing that I was told once was "El no siempre esta ahi, lo que tu buscas es el si." That, translated in english, is "The 'no's' are always there, what you're looking for is the 'yes'". I have to always remember to stay fueled on my love for music until one day I have all the courage in the world to take it head on. In the meantime, I have to accept that people will disapprove of my choices and thoughts. Well, that's what comes with being young, I guess.

So, I will never let anybody try to tell me differently about music. Whether it remains a hobby or I decide to take a leap with it when I'm older is up to me. Regardless of what I do, it will always be the one thing that has stayed constant with me all these years. Therefore, I wanted to have a reminder of what it meant to me and I went for it and got a tattoo of precisely that...

Hasta el fin, musica
Siempre canto
Forever Music

Free your mind

And whenever someone asks me what the legendary part of my high school years was, I'll tell them about these moments right here and right now. Because everything that I've worked for, all the happiness I've strived towards is finally right here, right in front of me. And I'm absolutely loving it. The key? Freeing your mind.

List of Countries I want to Visit

Turks and Caicos

Aruba

Netherlands

Italy

Ireland

South Africa

Thailand

Japan

Chile

Brazil

Hope I get to see at least half of these throughout my life. 

Carib Trip (JOURNAL ENTRY)

This post is more of a journal entry than anything...so I can just document this trip :) 

So I haven't really been writing in this lately. The last month has been such a blur, it's actually ridiculous. Ever since it hit me that I had very little time left with my friends, I just zoned out. Everything became about having fun and doing things I don't normally do. And one of the the things that I sacrificed for that sake was spending time writing in this blog.

Anyways, what I DO believe is worthy writing about in this blog is the two and a half week trip that I am currently in the middle of. Lauren, Shiraz, Valentina, Anya and I decided to take a different route than most of our friends who are on Euro Trips. Instead, we decided to go on a Carib trip; specifically, Puerto Rico and Santo Domingo. We arrived June 10th to San Juan and situated ourselves at the apartment that we rented for 6 days. I can't even believe to describe the convenience and amazing-ness of this apartment. A two bedroom, two bathroom, dining room and kitchen apartment, we honestly couldn't have done better. And, just half a block away was the beach! The first two nights were kind of slow though in terms of nightlife because it was a monday and a tuesday. This was kind of difficult for us to cope with because we are so used to NYC constant nightlife. Instead, we decided to go to the beach at night or go to local bars (Colombo, Waiters). When Thursday hit, we finally got to go to Brava, the local nightclub and it was amazing. We made friends, danced a shit load, had some drinks...basically a lot of fun :) 

When we went to the island of Vieques, the pace of the trip altered by a lot. We were faced with limited space and nightlife. However, we got to do activities such as snorkeling, jetskiing, kayaking etc. One day, as Lauren and I were snorkeling, we wandered over by the rocks to observe the plants on them. However, the current swept over us and we were washed over the rocks. When that happened, Lauren got stung by a lionfish. At first, it didn't seem as serious but after about half an hour, we were taking a cab to the emergency center/clinic. It was a scary but an incredibly useful situation in terms of learning how to live alone. The second day at Vieques was possibly the most memorable. At night, we went on the bio bay tour that Vieques is famous for. In this particular bay, there are small plankton creatures called dinoflagellates. These planktons light up in reaction to any movement. So, as the sun set, the glow would grow stronger. If you literally just dragged your hand through the water, your hand would glow. As it got later in the night, you could see fish glowing as they swam by our kayaks. Each wave that crashed, would brighten up. Valentina and I jumped in the water and as we swam, we would light up. 

Today were off to Culebra, La Isla Chiquita. Culebra has one of the best beaches in the world called "Flamenco Beach" which I'm actually so excited for. 

Throwing out some things and packing others away is the most difficult task in the world. 

But I don't want good and I don't want good enough

I want can't sleep, can't breathe without your love"

Heal

I think that the one thing that I can't do by myself, and that I can't do on command is heal. A lot of people can just turn that switch on and be like, "Okay, I'm going to feel fine today and nothing will get in the way of that." But my heart feels like it's made of steel and sometimes I'm so stubborn to move on from something, that it blocks everything that could give me the power to get strength. It's a vulnerability, that's for sure. I wish I could just heal.

Home

So, today is officially the day when my house got its first offer. Literally, maybe an hour ago, a couple came here in the same exact position that my parents were in 16 years ago; they are about to have a baby and are looking for a quiet, comfortable home where to raise their child in. My room will be the baby's. There will be a cradle and a changing board. The wooden board near the ceiling of my room that currently holds some of my stuffed animals will soon be carrying the weight of that baby's stuffed animals. This home is where I grew up in. I've lived here since I was two years old. This situation is kind of bittersweet because it means that I have to grow up now and really face the fact that I will now be living in a new home, in a new place, with new people around me. But I can't help but wonder if any other place will really feel like this one.

I'll miss the hammock.
The window that connects the kitchen to the living room so I can smell my mom's cooking.
The wooden tiles that my father stuck on one by one all by himself.
The inappropriate paintings on my walls.
The sound of my dog slipping and sliding on the floor.
The view of the Empire State Building that I get to look out at.
The sounds of the fire trucks as they exit 29th street and roll down 3rd avenue.
I'll miss everything.
Goodbye to one chapter of my life and hello to another.

When I Was Your Man- Bruno Mars (Katie Stevens and Michael Castro Cover)

I actually fell in love with this cover.

Flowers

I'm not exactly the girliest of girls. But there is one thing that makes me feel like a girly girl and that is the amount of happiness and excitement I get out of receiving flowers.

Thank you, you've been making my month :)

Lana Del Rey - Young and Beautiful (from "The Great Gatsby" Soundtrack)

can't wait to watch this.

Prom and Graduation Dresses

DONNNNNNNNNNNNNEE
finally.

Just stop when your efforts aren't being recipicrocated. Just..stop.

"Do You"-Kiseok Kim

So, a long time ago, Kiseok asked me to write him a peer evaluation. And I remember that the main concept I used for the evaluation was the line that he always uses: Do you. Sometimes I completely forget about. Sometimes I get so caught up in small details and co-dependency that I start to forget about what I'm doing for myself. I don't mean that in a selfish way. I mean that sometimes I just start kind of losing track of myself and who I'm becoming because I'm so focused on one goal. And lately, I've realized that I've actually become so absorbed in certain things. It's actually just time to wake up and do me and stop depending so much on certain things in my life.

Can't Sleep

I can't sleep, I can't sleep, I can't sleep.
It won't get out of my head.
Literally just thoughts and thoughts running through my mind.
So exhausted and and yet, my brain keeps running.
Anguish is going to take over my existence.
Already know I'm going to be writing in this blog so much more than usual until I know how to cope.
Fuuuuuuuccck, I can't sleep.

Intensified

The thing about time running out is that it intensifies everything. Literally, every walk down the street, every text message, every smile, every minute seems like its going to be one of the last ones. And even worse, every fiber of you is sensitive...all the time...because you've already prepared yourself for the worst but you've forgotten to prepare yourself for what's in between. The torture of waiting is pretty much worse than the actual thing.

Undecided

So now that I've decided to go to McGill University, people have moved on from asking me "Where are you going to college?" Instead, they are asking me: "What are you planning on studying?" And every single time, I answer: "I have no idea." Generally, people just look at me with a seriously dubious and scolding look, probably thinking that I'm just a completely misguided and naïve child. It is so difficult nowadays to honestly know what you want to do as a living. Every single day, there are new careers being made. As our population increases, so does the amount of opportunities for general survival. Therefore, do I know what I'm going to do at all? Not at all and I seem to be the only one perfectly okay with that. I think that has a lot to do with the program that I've been integrated in for the past two years: the International Baccalaureate  They basically make you take classes in every field. And every single course has its challenges in one way or another. Considering I really love challenges, it's safe to say that I've learned to love each and everyone classes no matter how much I bitch and groan about how tiring and difficult they are. Literature has introduced texts to me that I never thought I'd encounter such as Equus by Peter Shaffer or Perfume by Patrick Süskind. Spanish has allowed me to actually get in touch with people that are from my culture. My spanish teacher alone is probably the most influential teacher that I've ever had. Psychology was probably my most arduous class and yet, I probably appreciate that class the most for it opened me up to a class unlike any others. Needless to say, biology and philosophy are by far the classes that I hate the most just because they posed the most obstacles in my 11th grade and 12th grade years. And yet, I don't think I'll ever look back on these years of my high school experience and say that I learned nothing in those classes. In fact, biology and philosophy have caused me to look at life entirely different. The entire unit of evolution in biology made me rethink every single aspect of living around me. And that is what biology is all about...studying life. And philosophy...I don't even need to elaborate how that has influenced me. An entire semester of ethics was absolute hell for me but I'll never be able to stand quiet in a debate on ethics. Nietzsche has thankfully done that for me. 

One of the questions that one of my peers asked me to reflect on was along the lines of the following: What has UNIS done for you? What will you taking away from this high school experience. 

UNIS, you have left me completely open-minded. I am not confused about what I will do in the future. I am so undecided, it's ridiculous. And I am so proud of that. I will never feel empty or upset with what I'll be doing in the years to come because UNIS has taught me to embrace everything around me. I am so excited for the next years. I am now always looking forward. That's what you have done. Thank you, UNIS. 

It's basically like ripping out an entire chapter of your life. It's essentially like tearing out a giant part of you. How do you just accept that the present will at some point just become memories?

I love living by myself. I really do. It's just a lot of peace to be able to hear your own thoughts. Even though it was like one day and one night, I actually just had an amazing 24 hours. Everything changes when you're living alone. Every piece of your home suddenly seems so much more precious. Because even if it's for 24 hours, you're in charge of it all. And everything in that home is yours. I don't know. It might be stressful, but I love that responsibility.

Ahhhh

I am so head over heels for you.
Because of the bunny you gave me.
Because of our pong games.
Because you can completely engulf me in your hugs.
Because of breakfast for dinner.
You've got me wanting to write about you in this blog all the time. isndkekwnsnej

I wonder if I'll ever be able to see a pair of green eyes again and not be reminded of you.

Strong

I think that sometimes I need to be stronger in terms of like what I want out of my decisions and what I don't. A giant problem that I have is my pushiness and sometimes if something isn't meant to happen, then it just won't happen. And sometimes, as I have just realized, that pushiness is just a sign of insecurity.

Consistency

I don't ask much of people.
But I really do look for is consistency.
If people could stick to one personality, that would be nice.
If people could stick to their promises, that would be nice too.

"When I think of all the books still left for me to read, I am certain of further happiness." -Jules Renard

Last week, I got into my top college. A lot of people don't really know it's my top college because I don't want to jinx it and tell people that I'm going before I actually hear back from the rest of my colleges. I never know, I might go to an entirely different one. But the one thing that I do know is that just the act of getting in has instilled all this hope inside of me. The thrill of the future and imagining a whole new life has been the only thing on my mind these past days. I know it's crazy but I actually managed to do my homework even if I procrastinated a lot and I am looking for a new studio to record at...I'm just working, I guess. For a while there, I was really lost. I just needed an accomplishment; literally, anything. And thank god this happened last week because I don't think I could've gone one more day in the rut that I was in. Anyways, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm ready to start hoping again and I'm ready to start preparing for all the big changes that are going to be coming my way pretty soon.

The future has actually managed to inspire my present. 

GOT INTO MCGILL UNIVERSITY

I HONESTLY COULDN'T BE HAPPIER RIGHT NOW

Steve Angello

Is there anything you miss from when you were doing more scratch and break stuff or just growing your Stockholm parties?
You know what I miss? I miss normal. I remember just being excited to go and play at a regular club. And you're thinking "this is my night," and there may only be 250 or 300 people there. And there was no pressure. I kind of miss that it used to be playful. You could be creative, nobody judged you. Today, it's all judgment. You're never a prophet in your own city, but at the same time, when you grow up and become big, everyone says you're doing well.

But the second you get big, they tell you that you suck. I'm a firm believer in being positive and promoting what you love instead of dissing what you don't like. I said I'm a big Coldplay fan, and I told someone that and they said, "Yeah but they're so commercial now." Who cares? They still write great records -- the melodies are fantastic, the lyrics are great. It's the same with anything. Lady Gaga was really cool until she had her first No. 1 and now everyone thinks she's weird. I just miss the whole playful thing. And that's why I use a lot of aliases when I produce, because I can take the Steve Angello hat off and just play.

Swedish House Mafia Concert

So, last night I went to the Swedish House Mafia Concert with four friends: The Last Tour. When I was watching them, what I couldn't stop thinking about was the following: How can you be so great at something and want to let it go? I mean, honestly. They gave a great show. The saddest part is that they were incredibly into it and passionate about it. How can they be so willing to accept that this is one of their final shows? I don't really know what the reason is behind them breaking up or taking a hiatus is but I do know so I guess my opinion is a little bit naive. But what I do know is that if I had that talent and I had that much love for something then I would just not let it go. I've never been at a concert where I was on my feet the entire night willingly. Don't get me wrong, there were moments when I felt like I was going to collapse but to be frank, they really kept the energy going and they really made me want to stay up dancing. I really think that if they weren't so passionate about what they were doing up there, then people wouldn't have been on their feet the entire night.

The second thing that I kept thinking about is how much I want to be a part of the music world. I tend to deny it a lot but the other day, when I was talking about it with someone, I said something that I'd pretty much never really fully admitted to myself: It's what I want to do for the rest of my life. It's what I want to do for a  living. It's an almost impossible dream but I really do want to do music for a living. If I had the right resources and the right connections and perhaps the right amount of confidence in myself then maybe I would but right now I guess I just don't. All I know is that the best I can do for now is continue admiring people who do what they do because they love it like Swedish House Mafia.

Great money spent. Great night.