Three songs you should listen to: Hide and Seek (Murdok Remix) by Imogen Heap, In My Arms by Plumb, and War Sweater by Wakey!Wakey!

Music has taken me places. As long as I remember, instruments and headphones have followed me wherever I go, hand in hand. There are songs that describe my every mood and depending on what mood I'm in, songs form themselves around me. I've been watching this show and I'm not a big believer in television, however, I do watch a lot. To me, a good song, isn't just about the beat or about the rhythm or speed of the song. A song is like any other being, sugarcoated and surfaced with a secretive layer. You can only appreciate a song if you get underneath that layer and really feel the soul of the music. I've learnt this from researching Woodstock, which has to be one of the most historic and motivating events in the world. On the note of impressive things, I've never been impacted by a show as much as I've been impacted by this one. One Tree Hill. the character which I can relate myself most to would Peyton Soyer. She believed in music. Her world wasn't absolute without the surrounding of records. It tears me apart that the music world is a very hard business to get into. But, like Peyton, one day for pure fun, I'd like to create a record label and show the world what I'm made of. But that's just a dream.

"I happen to believe the world will change when we change ourselves. And that starts with finding ourselves. And that starts with listening to ourselves: learning to quiet the clamor in our minds and the voices of everyone around us and move toward what feels right- towards the things we know, for reasons we can't explain, that we're meant to do, the things that will make us feel alive." -KY Cutron

there was a certain beauty to innocence, there really was. however, destiny has chosen otherwise. today is a day, a celebration of rebirth, isn't it?

every day, every second, everyone has a choice. my choice this year has been to commemorate and compensate rather than well...crash. today is a day of misery and disruption for my family. today is in fact, one year since my cousin, maria pato, died. the last time i saw her was maybe seven years ago. she was 10 years old when she died. i live with this regret, not burden, but a wish, that i had gone to see her one more time. so i could remember how her hair formed around her face when she laughed or what it sounded like. instead, i have to look at picture and imagine what could have been. it is because of this that i have come to believe in karma. if i had let go of the ignorance that comes with being a teenager and forgotten how much for granted i took my family to be, if i taken into heart going back to my home country, if my dad had simply gotten his job there one year before, i would've seen her. it is like this that i've thought for the past year. full of regret and hatred for simply not remembering.

two very important people stepped into my life somewhere in these past 12 months. as they slowly and gradually vanish as we get older, i now realize that i'd rather look back at them with bliss rather than melancholy. i don't remember maria pato. i barely do. i remember what we were when we were younger, but i don't remember her for the person she left this world as. i hate myself for it. it wasn't enough for her to leave on christmas, no. the world took away yet another one of my cousins, manuela, on new years eve, six days apart. she was 12 years old when she died. even more, i remember manuela with spite. as young kids, we fought much and competed. the only memory that i have of her makes me ashamed of myself.

don't take anything for granted. the most unexpected people will have the most impact on you. and when you look back at pictures and videos and quotes, i don't want you to feel what i felt. i don't want you to be left with the..."what ifs," as i am left with. i have learned to deal with with the pain and bare remembrance, but what i have learned overall is that one makes mistakes. we are only human. there is only so much stardust for each of us. innocence only reaches out to us so far and then we must face reality. in a way, innocence blinds us for it doesn't prepare us for what we wish for now. innocence didn't prepare me for memories for i lived my life as a kid, unaware of the need that humans need for preservation of moments. however, if i hadn't been simply a child when i had last seen them, i believe i would be more broken than i am now. i would have never been able to move past their exit of the world.

cherish your innocence, but remember that with victory comes sorrow. las amo, maria patito y manuela. r.i.p. i miss you guys so much. i wish i had had a chance to get to know you guys more. i wish you two had had more time. i wish we had all had more time.

"did you ever wonder what it would be like if you weren't you anymore? if you were suddenly gone? how would your world react? whatever you imagined is wrong. there's nothing romantic about death. grief is like the ocean, it's deep and dark and bigger than all of us. and pain is like a theif in the night."

(matthew and i)


when i was younger, i had this country house in conneticut. in fact, it wasn't just any country house. my family shared it with my father's best friend's family, clara, patrick and their kids: sarah and matthew. in total, there were seven of us plus maggie, my favorite labrador. i don't remember full memories because it seems like there's a blind spot in my mind...it's all...blotchy. humans play tricks on themselves, i've noticed. by the time we're ten or eleven, life isn't all about just sitting on swings trying to see how high you can go. or in my case, making robots out of cardboard and bracelets out of dried glue. life becomes much more complicated. suddenly everything turns into chaos, and each and every memory begins colliding with each other until the mind decides to quietly press the delete button on certain of those reminiscent moments. the one image that i have of connecticut is the railway track. perhaps i remember this specific railway track because i used to take the train every single weekend to get there. however, this track was the local one. it ran through the whole town of kent and running with it, on the sides, were beautiful trees of all different colors. matthew and his friend, cooper, were eight years older than me and somedays i'd go out onto the railway track and just walk down it with them. sometimes matthew would put me in this little red and yellow car and let me ride down the steep hill but just as i thought i'd keep rolling and rolling away, he'd put a stop to it. connecticut felt like my second home. most kids in new york city when their younger spend most of their time playing video games, watching movies, playing with old fashioned game boys etc. but, my mom never let me have any of those things so i had to find stuff to do on my own. i learnt how to ride my first bike in connecticut, as well as i created my very first painting there. i learnt to catch bunnies and feed them as well as butterflies and admire them. when it was rainy or too cold, i'd sit in doors and read or warm myself by the fireplace as i colored on sheets of paper all day. but most of all, i learnt how to run. being a city girl, there's not much space to scream and yell and laugh and just race. but in connecticut, the backyard was the field and the woods were spacious. i competed with the wind and reached out my fingers to touch dandelions and thick country air as i sprinted up and down wherever. i had this dog named maggie, well, she wasn't my dog, but she was their dog. since i was simply a child, i was just about her height. i could spend all day with her if i wanted and somehow, everyone trusted her with me. maggie was one of the most charismatic and beautiful dogs that i'll ever know. she never got angry or temperamental, she was (this is cheesy, i know) in one way or another, my friend.

two years ago, my parents, and my dog, anna and i went to connecticut for a visit. we hadn't been there in over three years. everything had changed. my father's best friend had divorced her husband, patrick. however, he had stayed with the house which i so admirably remember. sarah, the daughter, had moved in with mother about ten minutes away. and matthew was now in college. cooper, had left to california to live with his family. patrick (her husband) was lonely, we could see, and old. but he wasn't the only one, so was maggie. when maggie and anna met, we could immediately see that nothing would be the same. it was the first time i had seen maggie snap. the garage which had originally contained all our bikes, cars and games had turned dusty and reeked of oldness. the magic which the house and the fields had once held an aura of had disappeared along with what the seven of us: clara, patrick, sarah, matthew, my mom, my dad, maggie and i had once held. nonetheless, i was surprised to find that it was easy to let go. i had become somewhat ignorant to the past as i grew older and i had learned to come to terms which what i had become, a city girl. this realization may be something that i may not regret right now but i suppose i will in the future. sarah, whom was two years old than me, had become a teenager, and since i was too, neither one of us really cared much for each other anymore. overall, everything had changed.

today, i found one of the shoes that i owned as a child. it's always been hung on the doorknob of my room but i never really took much notice to it. i always wondered why my mom kept it, though. and today, it inspired to write what i've written for my dear old connecticut. as we get older, memories begin to fade in and out and being alive for only 15 years so far, it shocks me that i cannot even remember things that happened less than five years ago. hoping to live the life time of a regular human being, i have learnt to prepare myself for what i'll forget and remember as i grow older. i've learnt that only certain memories stay with you, certain memories that will change your vision on who you are today. no matter how much you try to avoid amnesia towards your past, it stays with you. it engraves you and stays printed within you until the day you decide to face it. only then, will it become you.

(matthew and i again)

this post is directed towards one person who i know needs an exit from imaginary isolation, and an entry back into the world where (we) all love you

-Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince


"Deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope." -Elizabeth Gilbert

"Music is a safe kind of high." - Jimi Hendrix

"Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough." -Emily Dickinson

"Happy girls are the prettiest." -Audrey Hepburn

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to really know where you stand." -Hayley N. Williams

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it." -Groucho Marx

"You have five minutes to wallow in the delicious misery: enjoy it, embrace it, discard it...and proceed." -Claire Colburn

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." -Robert Frost

"You're alive, act like it." -Kennedy Brock

"Happiness does not mean that everything is perfect; it just means that you have decided to look past the imperfections." -Unknown

"Make a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want, everything you want. Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true. You never know where the next miracle is going to come from. The next smile, the next wish come true. But if you believe that it’s right around the corner, and you open up your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it, you just might get the thing you’re wishing for. The world is full of magic. You just have to believe in it. So make your wish. Do you have it? Good. Now believe in it, with all of your heart." -Lucas Scott, One Tree Hill

"Look how the stars shine for you." -Unknown

"Anyone can hide. Facing up to things, working through them, that's what makes you strong."-Sarah Dessen

"I Don't Want to Be, Gavin DeGraw"

I don't need to be anything other
Than a prison guard's son
I don't need to be anything other
Than a specialist's son
I don't have to be anyone other
Than the birth of two souls in one
Part of where I'm going, is knowing where I'm coming from

[Chorus:]
I don't want to be
Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms
Wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn
Am I the only one who noticed?
I can't be the only one who's learned!

[Chorus]

Can I have everyone's attention please?
If you're not like this and that, you're gonna have to leave
I came from the mountain
The crust of creation
My whole situation-made from clay to stone
And now I'm telling everybody

[Chorus]

I don't want to be [x4]

i was planning on writing something genuinely deep but i can't come up with anything today. i'm in one way or another, stuck. there's no such thing as writer's block in my head, because i am sitting here writing some shit right? i have this best friend and he and i are two of the most complicated beings on earth. it's flabbergasting. we're the best of friends one day and the we can't even stand each other the next. there are days where we try to be smart asses, supercilious and all, beating around the bush about what we're trying to signal each other. however, at the end of the day we just begin and end talking about the most psychological mind fucking shit. i've learned to make the english language beautiful because of him. he has this way of making even the most simplest phrases elegantly pleasant. "And then the sky turned red," he said one day and ever since then I've learned to appreciate the scenery around me rather than moving with it like every other being as if it was simply...well...scenery. i don't think i've ever been more hurt by a person than him, and i guarantee the situation is vice versa but then again, i've never been made...happy...by someone. i guess, we just care. there's no other reason to it honestly, we just f.u.c.k.i.n.g care. he's taught me family, he's taught me home. and like one of my best friends recited in one of her blogs, ohana. he's taught me ohana. and like family, although we'll dispute about the most childish things or the most impacting things, it's as if we're bound by blood. we will always come back to each other in times of need. ohana. there are moments like the one we are experiencing at this very second where we don't say much but without words, we tend to say it all. and that is when you know somebody, when you know each and every thought on someone's mind. through the clouds, boundaries, walls and all, there's still some kind of clear path where you can read that person's thoughts, sus pensamientos, how i can see yours, how you can see mine.

thank you.

All that is Me

Your past;
It defines you.
It's become your aura.
I felt it, it embraced me.
I didn't come close to understanding,
I understood it.
For simply that,
I don't feel vengeance,
I feel sympathy.
And I wish you well on your way.
Precociously though,
you're bound to face much soliloquy.
I'll remember you
and all that I see in me, that is you.
Hasta Mañana.

"Shattered," by Trading Yesterday


Yesterday I died, tomorrow's bleeding
Fall into your sunlight
The future's open wide beyond believing
To know why hope dies
Losing what was found, a world so hollow
Suspended in a compromise
The silence of this sound is soon to follow
Somehow sundown

And finding answers
Is forgetting all of the questions we call home
Passing the graves of the unknown

As reason clouds my eyes, with splendor fading
Illusions of the sunlight
And the reflection of a lie will keep me waiting
Love gone for so long

This day's ending is the proof of time killing all the faith I know
Knowing that faith is all I hold

And Ive lost who I am
And I can't understand
Why my heart is so broken
Rejecting your love
Without love gone wrong
Life
Less words
Carry on

But i know
All i know
Is that the ends beginning

Who I am from the start
Take me home to my heart
Let me go
And I will run
I will not be silenced

All this time spent in vain
Wasted years
Wasted gain
All is lost
Hope remains
And this war's not over

Theres a light
Theres the sun
Taking all the shattered ones
To the place we belong
And his love will conquer

And Ive lost who I am
And I can't understand
Why my heart is so broken
Rejecting your love
Without love gone wrong
Life
Less words
Carry on

But i know
All i know
Is that the ends beginning

Who I am from the start
Take me home to my heart
Let me go
And I will run
I will not be silenced

All this time spent in vain
Wasted years
Wasted gain
All is lost
Hope remains
And this war's not over

Theres a light
Theres the sun
Taking all the shattered ones
To the place we belong
And his love will conquer all
Yes his love will conquer all

Yesterday I died, tommorrows bleeding
Fall into your sunlight

it truly blows my mind when people say that their teacher didn't teach them this or that. if a teacher hands you a textbook (in some cases, many), then what in fucking hell are you doing with it? do you just let it sit there and gather dust? if you didn't learn something, then go out and explore it, APPREHEND IT. holy shit. i've had a lot of bad teachers in my life but there's only one that i complained about and i truly wish i hadn't. if there are people in your class getting straight A's and B's, then obviously, you're the one that is doing something wrong. if you have an exam, then ask your teacher, it's not that hard...but don't complain after the exam is done that you're teacher didn't teach you anything. shut up....

"Goodbye my lover," by James Blunt
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

"Out of my Mind," by James Blunt

Judging by the look on the organ-grinder,
He'll judge me by the fact that my face don't fit.
It's touching that the monkey sits on my shoulder.
He's waiting for the day when he gets me,
But I don't need no alibi - I'm a puppet on a string.
I just need this stage to be seen.
We all need a pantomime to remind us what is real.
Hold my eye and know what it means.

I'm out of my mind.

Judging by the look on the organ-grinder,
He'll judge me by the fact that my face don't fit.
It's touching that the monkey sits on my shoulder.
He's waiting for the day when he gets me,
But I won't be your concubine - I'm a puppet not a whore.
I just need this stage to be seen.
Will you be a friend of mine to remind me what is real?
Hold my heart and see that it bleeds.

I'm out of my mind.

"High" by James Blunt

Beautiful dawn - lights up the shore for me.
There is nothing else in the world,
I'd rather wake up and see (with you).
Beautiful dawn - I'm just chasing time again.
Thought I would die a lonely man, in endless night.
But now I'm high; running wild among all the stars above.
Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me.

Beautiful dawn - melt with the stars again.
Do you remember the day when my journey began?
Will you remember the end (of time)?
Beautiful dawn - You're just blowing my mind again.
Thought I was born to endless night, until you shine.
High; running among all the stars above.
Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me.

Will you be my shoulder when I'm grey and older?
Promise me tomorrow starts with you,
Getting high, running wild among all the stars above.
Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me.

illusions

the white line that you will see in these pictures is in fact the moon captured at extremely show slutter speed.
the blurry gold/orangey circles and abstract lines are buildings from the alhambra in granada, spain.
i really fucking love photography.
the best thing about it that i realized a couple days ago when taking pictures of a basketball game is that since i'm nearsighted, i can't see from afar. but because of the camera, it served as my focus and i could see clearly.
cameras are literally, my third eye, my perfect eye.

dear youknowwhoyouare,

you impress me, you truly do. i saw you cry and i cried too because you hadn't cried for the longest time, or so I could tell. You cried but not for yourself, you cried because you wanted someone to reach out. and for that split second i was there but i can tell that you think i'm not always fully there. like my mind is somewhere else, deep somewhere else. oh reckless abandon, that's what i've become. but i'm sorry for my rights. what a lie. for my wrongs.

Darkroom Photography (Location:FIT)

These are some examples of the photos that I took and later developed in what I now know as my favorite place on earth: The Darkroom. :)






How do I even begin to explain about how much I fell in love with my classes over the summer? The class was over a course of a month, meeting four times each week, four hours a day. Luckily, they were not in the morning and were simply at noon. Fashion Institute of Technology...I would recommend it to anybody, however, the classes tend to be a little bit pricey. Nonetheless, they are great classes full of artistic professors. Some examples of the classes? Darkroom Photography, Digital Photography, Interior Designing, Party Planning and Making, Puppet Doll Making, Toy Making, Fashion Design Pre Classes...Just about anything. The college is located on 27th between 7th and 8th and actually takes up four buildings. It was amazing. I met all kinds of new people from ages 13 to 19. The best thing is that the college is filled with everything but arrogance. Admiration towards artists is the only thing represented, therefore, any artists whether you're an amateur or advanced feel comfortable. At the end of the summer course you get a grade. However, I was so intrigued by the program, I worked by myself hard and had a good time with it without even thinking about acing.

Today, Mr. Afshinnekoo told me that humans are made of stardust.
I laughed, she laughed. We all laughed but I couldn't help but wonder..

Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros - Home [2009]

home, let me go home. home is my safety.

My Girls-My Best Friends

Sarah: You're beautiful inside and out. You have so much good in you and it pains me to see that not many people understand most of the things that you're going through. I don't even understand sometimes but that's okay as long as you're not lost. I love you so much and I'm glad we've stuck by each other even if we've gotten distant in one way or another in the past.

Shiraz: I guess I could say you picked me up from the ground and lifted me up. You're basically the person that keeps me up to speed with who I really am. The true talent you've got is that you know how to keep people confident of themselves. Without you I truly don't know who I could've become.

Crystal: You're the one person who I can laugh for hours and hours on end with. But on the contrary to that, we both know when the switch has to turn off and have a serious talk. I can go to you about everything and anything without getting judged and hopefully, you can do the same. I feel like I don't always get to express this to you but I hope you know I'm here for you whenever you need it.

Claire: I can relate myself to you more than anyone I know. I never guessed that we'd become close like we've become now. I can honestly say that you're one of my best friends now. Whether we're dancing and being wild :) or just talking for hours about the stupidest and most pathetic things, you put a smile on my face.

Frida: We have our stages where we barely talk sadly and then there's times where all we do is enjoy each other's company. Unlike many people I surround myself with, our relationship is very effortless and smooth. I hope nobody ever tries to push you down, which unfortunately, throughout our lives, many do. But, if this were to ever happen, I hope you remember how truly great of a person you are.

Anya: We had a date over the summer and due to different friends, we don't get to hang out as much but when we do, there's so much to talk about. I love when we have our phone calls and just talk about boys and life as a whole. We have a lot of things in common and due to this I feel like I could open up to you so much more than I already do.

Camila: I love being with you. We're in seperate grades and sometimes it feels as though there should be a gap, but surprisingly, we're both just as immature as each other. I'm going to miss you so much for the rest of high school but I hope we keep in touch because I consider you one of my best friends. Your confidence and intelligence stun me giving me more than enough reason to completely and utterly admire you.

i'd like to think that life is simply a figment of the imagination. when i fall deep into sleep, well, let me rephrase...when i fall into the epitome of what i'd like to think is my reality, i escape thoughts. people have millions of dreams simply in one night, and what i've noticed is that the mind selects specific ones that are completely relevant and realistic. the others are locked away for you not remember when you awaken. so you see, when you fall into sleep, you enter a universe of secrets. truthfully, i think that all human beings know what these secrets and special dreams are but you're mind chooses to not reveal them to you when you're eyes open so that you subconsciously you always have something to look forward to the next time. i consider myself a dreamer, not one whom is awakened by the stars, but a dreamer who is awakened by light. "a dreamer is one who can find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world" -oscar wilde.

yes
five day weekend.
so ready for this...

Grief by Stephen Dobyns

Trying to remember you
is like carrying water
in my hands a long distance
across sand. Somewherev people are waiting.
They have drunk nothing for days.

Your name was the food I lived on;
now my mouth is full of dirt and ash.
To say your name was to be surrounded
by feathers and silk; now, reaching out,
I touch glass and barbed wire.
Your name was the thread connecting my life;
now I am fragments on a tailor’s floor.

I was dancing when I
learned of your death; may
my feet be severed from my body.

This life is what you make it. No matter what, you’re going to mess up sometimes, it’s a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you’re going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they’ll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they’re your true best friends. Don’t let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they’ll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can’t give up becuase if you give up, you’ll never find your soul mate. You’ll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn’t mean you’re gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.
- Marilyn Monroe

there's one thing that i'm completely and 100% sure about. everyone should do whatever it takes in order to be happy. if it means being selfish, so be it. if it means being destructive, then that's fine. but...never become the destruction. this recklessness should always be temporary. sometimes it's okay to forget about others and concentrate on yourself.

and yeah, i'm happy at where i am now. i did what i had to do.

today is special

:)

"When it gets cold, and it feels like the end. There's no place to go? You know I won't give in."
today, i talked to one of my closest friends. i'm actually so surprised because she'd the type of person who keeps so many things bottled up inside of her. it was a relief when she opened up to me because i had thought that side of her was gone when it came to me. i thought about what she said and the one thing that i noticed was that many people feel very lost. about a month ago i was so angry about everything because i thought i was losing the people that were the key ones in my life. i noticed that she felt the same way and the only thing i could think about was this song and the quote that i've posted on top. i've taught myself that it's okay to rely on just me. however, the person that i learned this from is one of the ones that i feel like i've lost. therefore, there's a part of me that feels rather empty. it surprised me mostly that she was trying to explain this to me and thought that i didn't understand but i truly did. it makes me wonder how many people feel like this. i love her so much and i hope she feels so much better soon. but for now i can't do much, i can only be there and help her through and keep telling her..."if today isn't good, tomorrow will always be better."

Day 10: One Confession.

I don't believe in confessions, they show weakness, and most people take advantage of that.
So, I guess my "confession" would be that I don't confess.

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

1. :)
2. :|

Day Eight: Three Turn Ons

1. A good dancer
2. Good kisser
3. Somewhat (if not completely) toned

Day Seven: Four Turn Offs.

1. Bad breath
2. Bad dressing
3. A Player
4. Sloppy Kisser

for the last 5 years my dad was unemployed because of the job crisis that started after 9/11. during this past summer he got offered a job back at our home country, colombia. he left, and i was perfectly fine with it because i knew that he would be happier and even though we'd miss each other, it'd be worth it in the end cause i knew he'd feel accomplished. there have been so many good things that have come out of this such as the fact that i can travel to colombia more now whenever i want when i wish to see him. there are also some bad things that are quite obvious...the lack of seeing him. about two years ago i was going through that stupid teenage crisis shit where i didn't appreciate my parents. but i've changed that and this situation of living miles away from my father makes me appreciate them to a degree that is unexplainable unless put in this position.

today, i was walking home from school and my mom called me and asked me where i was. i told her that i was getting to second avenue and i would be home in about 5 or 10 minutes. i found it strange that she was asking since she knows my schedule. i put down the phone but i became curious and called her back asking why she was asking, which she responded to by telling me that she simply wanted to meet up with me with her friend while walking my dog but that there was no point now since i was almost home. i remember wondering to myself if she was lying or not. in a matter of minutes i arrived home, said hi to my mom and went to my desk where i logged onto facebook and became distracted by the internet. i remember hearing my mom open the door and leaving and thinking to myself that she was just doing the recycling. when the door reopened at her return, i didn't bother to turn around but out of nowhere i heard, "paola." however, this was not my mother's voice so i turned around and saw my father. i jumped out of my seat and began tearing up as i yelled the single word that has made my day, "papa."

Day Six: Five people that mean a lot (in no specific order at all)

It's impossible for me to choose five but if I absolutely had to choose they would be these:

RishavDev Shah, Sarah Clancy, Abdullah Hanif, Bradley Manton, Crystal Carroll, Shiraz Biran and Corey MacDonald

Poem I found on Tumblr (itskatherinemae)

There’s one sad truth in life we’ll come to realize,
While we journey east and west -
The only people we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we barely know,
We please the passing guest,
And give a bucket full of troubles,
To those who love us best.

Day 4: Seven things that Cross Your Mind a lot.

1. If I'll get into the college choices I want. This is probably the top thing that I think about. I think about this everyday not only because of college but because of the success that will come with it. I guess you could say that I think about my future way too much.

2. Whether or not people can see right through me for who I am. There are only about four people who really know me for me and for now, I don't want to let more people in. I'm not going to whine about this though because four people is enough. Although many people think it's fine to let everybody know every little thing about themselves, I believe it's best to not show many people our weaknesses because many people take that for granted.

3. If my life will change at any point for the better or for the worse. I tend to think very optimistically but there are many things that lead me to believe that fate actually exists.

4. If my parents are okay. Recently, for the past one or two years I've had this stronger connection with my parents. By growing more mature I've realized that there are worst things than an unhappy marriage. The consequences and left over state of mind can be more threatening than anything, in any situation. For this, I tend to think of them a lot.

5. If I ran away, where would paths take me? As stupid as this sounds, sometimes, when I find myself in horrible situations, I imagine my life somewhere else and how it would be.

6. If I should've expressed my passion for singing more when I was younger. At earlier ages, I was a bit more shy than I even am today. Ever since I could find my voice, I've been singing, however, I never showed that side and today I regret it.

7. If this is myself. Simple and straight to the point.

Law of the Conservation of Beauty: that across reality as a whole, beauty may never be lost or gained, created or destroyed, but only may change or be changed into a different form.

Law of Conservation of Love: that love many never be created or destroyed but only may change or be changed into a different form such as hate or fear.

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

1. Make me laugh

2. and

3. that's

4. honestly

5. pretty

6. much

7. it

8. .

Right now is not the best time for me, I could say. Luckily, some people know how to distract me from a lot of bullshit. It surprises me because my main philosophy is that nothing can really bother me and nothing can make me crumble but right now I'm at that point where I think nothing can get better. Therefore, when I saw this picture I guess the one word I saw in my mind was: Optimism.

"It's okay to not be okay."

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.

1. I'm serious when I need to be and wild too ;)

2. I have a lisp sometimes...

3. Gotta donk

4. I get upset easily

5. I love paris

6. I love photography and writing

7. People tend to hurt me a lot because i'm small :)

8. I"m a baby...

9. When I'm nervous, I play with my hair

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

1. I miss you.

2. I didn't mean it.

3. You mean so fucking much to me...

4. Thanks to you, I laugh more now

5. Thank You

6. I don't know

7. Please forgive me

8. I wish it was how it used to be

9. You've changed me

10. Fuck you

Ten Days-Took this From FriFri :)

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

Day Seven: Four turn offs.

Day Eight: Three turn ons.

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

Day Ten: One confession.

i'm addicted to nighttime now, i guess. i love it. although there aren't really any stars in new york city's sky, the few that i can see are bright enough. there's only one place in this whole entire world i'd also want to be: paris. specifically, sitting on a blanket on the side of the seine river. you know how once you learn something you start seeing it everywhere? well, ever since over the summer when i started reading this book, "a long way gone," by ishmael beah, i've begun to notice the moon, read about the moon, watch movies that involved the moon. everything has suddenly begun to revolve around the fucking moon. paris has both the moon and the stars. it has a scent too, of bliss. but, new york city has one thing paris will never have: vivaciousness. whether the people are awake or not, the lights are always there to set afire the streets. who could get lost in this city?

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes,
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes...

him: isn't she soft?

her: no, she's one of the strong ones.

half way gone, half way there

And I always find
Yeah, I always find
Yeah, I always find somethin’ wrong
You been puttin’ up wit’ my shit just way too long
I’m so gifted at findin’ what I don’t like the most
So I think it’s time for us to have a toast

Run away from me, baby
Run away
Run away from me, baby
Run away
Never thought it would get crazy
Just run away
Baby, I got a plan
Run away as fast as you can

I’m not afraid of the dark

We’ve been here before.
Fallen on hard times, honey
We’ve fallen on swords.
But if a long shadow
Falls across your heart
I’ll be right here with you
I’m not afraid of the dark.

-"Long Shadows" by Josh Ritter

in september of 2009, i entered high school and now that I'm into my second year of high school, there is nothing else to describe what i feel besides the word; shocked. the person who i've become, whether or not people have noticed, is completely different than the person before that specific september.

revolving myself around new people and relying on myself rather than on others became my two main priorities. the transition from 8th grade to 9th grade was impressively smooth. one of my friends, now, very best friend, accepted me into his life and slowly, welcomed me into his friends circle. they're now, my closest friends. i kept one good friend from middle school and although last year we had a horrible and unspoken phase, we are now close again and have been for the past 6 months. i became indifferent to my past life and i was reborn.

many people tend to describe me along these three words: blasé, unresponsive and strong. for this, i will explain myself. i am blasé, unintentionally. i am just nonchalant because i choose what i fight for. i do not pick and unfold at every corner. people have insulted me and judged me in my past and present for just about everything. mostly, what i've learned is that people will pick at whatever they can. i've been criticized for being too sensitive and also unbreakable. so at what point do you become regarded? i have learned the answer to this. you simply have to choose which you love best and soon you will love yourself, and others will not overlook this charm. so when adults say "be yourself," or "do you," they are not bullshitting you. what other choice do you have?

i am unresponsive, unintentionally. unconsciously, completely. however, avoidable, not at all. i become unresponsive only when i deny myself the hurting of others for my own defense. it is impossible to speak and share my words if it means it will mostly grief them. this part of me is meek, for i have not yet conquered it. and somehow, i love this part of myself. it shows my weakness and for this, people (by now reading this) know that i am not always trying to involuntarily put up a wall.

i am strong, unexpectedly. being strong is projected through voice. one can be witty inside one's mind but if one can not be clear and brave when speaking, then what is the point of pretending to be courageous? this is the key to independence, in my opinion. but, "with victory comes glory." along with being strong, one could easily fall into a tendency of being arrogant. sometimes, i catch myself giving off this part of myself and immediately become blasé and unresponsive, both at once. then again, i'd rather be tough than outspoken.

so why the fuck can i relate myself to "lucky" by britney spears?

Indifference

hermes sent a message in a bottle

across the universe it ran

secured and locked as a throttle

the revelation of my camouflage began

i don't mind being alone at all

i find it rather serene

when tears turn into a waterfall,

life slowly becomes obscene

however, when i become mindless

i become repelled to my dismay

for this i have noticed, to this i must confess

my shadow and i, alone. alone is where i'll stay

Counting all different ideas drifting away

Past and present they don’t matter

Now the future’s sorted out

Watch her moving in elliptical patterns

Think it’s not what you say

What you say is way too complicated

For a minute thought I couldn’t tell how to fall out

It’s twenty seconds till the last call

You’re going hey hey hey hey hey hey

Lie down you know it’s easy

Like we did it over summer long

And I’ll be anything you ask and more

You’re going hey hey hey hey hey hey hey

It’s not a miracle we needed

No I wouldn’t let you think so

Fold it, fold it, fold it, fold it

Girlfriend, oh your girlfriend is drifting away

Past and present 1855 -1901 †

Watch them built up a meteor tower

Think it’s not gonna stay anyway

Think it’s overrated

For a minute thought I couldn’t tell how to fall out

It’s twenty seconds till the last call

You’re going hey hey hey hey hey hey

Lie down you know it’s easy

Like we did it over summer long

And I’ll be anything you ask and more

You’re going hey hey hey hey hey hey hey

It’s not a miracle we needed

No I wouldn’t let you think so

Fold it, fold it, fold it, fold it

"there was a new girl in town, she had it all figured out"

Together forever, never apart. Maybe in distance but never at heart.

"you've got to got to bounce"

nothing distracts me anymore. i choose what bothers me and what doesn't. i want what i want and any obstacles in my way... well there are none. at least in my head that's how it should be. you create the obstacles. there are none if you have it clear in your head where you want to go. i won't be taken aback by something such as the vanity of a selfish life. then again, i shouldn't be like this. i should let myself sway with the ocean and let myself get slightly closer to the sunset each day instead of riding right towards it. the beauty of swaying is the embrace of the curves and the reality of the light that hits you each time you glide around a wave. obstacles give you the time to ponder, to feel, to exist but without them, you might feel but you can't articulate or ignite the words within. numb. yeah, that's what it is. i'm numb. concussional is what i've become, unable to speak, however, able to sense the aura, the ambience. and the presence of this determination has taken all the courage i have left, becoming easy to pretend. "i really fucked it up this time. didn't i, my dear?"

"we don't waste no precious time"

i'm hooked onto the song teenage crime by adrian lux.

specifically, the axwell remix. however, i'm also hooked

on the dubstep remixes like this one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wb2UTLuVxw

why the fuck do teachers have to pretend like they know how

to teach originality or inspiration? you can't...those two things

should come to a person as a second nature. you can't just

teach a person to "do their thing."

"You have a purple heart.

Purple hearts are strong & ambitious. You are probably a go getter & full of energy. You have somewhat of a childish side but, you know when to be serious as well. You like the finer things in life. You have a lot of pride and dignity. You carry yourself well and present yourself in a respectful manner. People often admire you for you sense of style but, that's not all. Others look up to you because you have a caring heart and soul. Purple signifies romance & favorable feelings. On the negative side Purple hearts can be "gloomy" at times, have sad feelings or feelings of frustration & sometimes anger."

some examples of my photos: