Tiny Restless Thing

in september of 2009, i entered high school and now that I'm into my second year of high school, there is nothing else to describe what i feel besides the word; shocked. the person who i've become, whether or not people have noticed, is completely different than the person before that specific september.

revolving myself around new people and relying on myself rather than on others became my two main priorities. the transition from 8th grade to 9th grade was impressively smooth. one of my friends, now, very best friend, accepted me into his life and slowly, welcomed me into his friends circle. they're now, my closest friends. i kept one good friend from middle school and although last year we had a horrible and unspoken phase, we are now close again and have been for the past 6 months. i became indifferent to my past life and i was reborn.

many people tend to describe me along these three words: blasé, unresponsive and strong. for this, i will explain myself. i am blasé, unintentionally. i am just nonchalant because i choose what i fight for. i do not pick and unfold at every corner. people have insulted me and judged me in my past and present for just about everything. mostly, what i've learned is that people will pick at whatever they can. i've been criticized for being too sensitive and also unbreakable. so at what point do you become regarded? i have learned the answer to this. you simply have to choose which you love best and soon you will love yourself, and others will not overlook this charm. so when adults say "be yourself," or "do you," they are not bullshitting you. what other choice do you have?

i am unresponsive, unintentionally. unconsciously, completely. however, avoidable, not at all. i become unresponsive only when i deny myself the hurting of others for my own defense. it is impossible to speak and share my words if it means it will mostly grief them. this part of me is meek, for i have not yet conquered it. and somehow, i love this part of myself. it shows my weakness and for this, people (by now reading this) know that i am not always trying to involuntarily put up a wall.

i am strong, unexpectedly. being strong is projected through voice. one can be witty inside one's mind but if one can not be clear and brave when speaking, then what is the point of pretending to be courageous? this is the key to independence, in my opinion. but, "with victory comes glory." along with being strong, one could easily fall into a tendency of being arrogant. sometimes, i catch myself giving off this part of myself and immediately become blasé and unresponsive, both at once. then again, i'd rather be tough than outspoken.

so why the fuck can i relate myself to "lucky" by britney spears?