Tiny Restless Thing

there was a certain beauty to innocence, there really was. however, destiny has chosen otherwise. today is a day, a celebration of rebirth, isn't it?

every day, every second, everyone has a choice. my choice this year has been to commemorate and compensate rather than well...crash. today is a day of misery and disruption for my family. today is in fact, one year since my cousin, maria pato, died. the last time i saw her was maybe seven years ago. she was 10 years old when she died. i live with this regret, not burden, but a wish, that i had gone to see her one more time. so i could remember how her hair formed around her face when she laughed or what it sounded like. instead, i have to look at picture and imagine what could have been. it is because of this that i have come to believe in karma. if i had let go of the ignorance that comes with being a teenager and forgotten how much for granted i took my family to be, if i taken into heart going back to my home country, if my dad had simply gotten his job there one year before, i would've seen her. it is like this that i've thought for the past year. full of regret and hatred for simply not remembering.

two very important people stepped into my life somewhere in these past 12 months. as they slowly and gradually vanish as we get older, i now realize that i'd rather look back at them with bliss rather than melancholy. i don't remember maria pato. i barely do. i remember what we were when we were younger, but i don't remember her for the person she left this world as. i hate myself for it. it wasn't enough for her to leave on christmas, no. the world took away yet another one of my cousins, manuela, on new years eve, six days apart. she was 12 years old when she died. even more, i remember manuela with spite. as young kids, we fought much and competed. the only memory that i have of her makes me ashamed of myself.

don't take anything for granted. the most unexpected people will have the most impact on you. and when you look back at pictures and videos and quotes, i don't want you to feel what i felt. i don't want you to be left with the..."what ifs," as i am left with. i have learned to deal with with the pain and bare remembrance, but what i have learned overall is that one makes mistakes. we are only human. there is only so much stardust for each of us. innocence only reaches out to us so far and then we must face reality. in a way, innocence blinds us for it doesn't prepare us for what we wish for now. innocence didn't prepare me for memories for i lived my life as a kid, unaware of the need that humans need for preservation of moments. however, if i hadn't been simply a child when i had last seen them, i believe i would be more broken than i am now. i would have never been able to move past their exit of the world.

cherish your innocence, but remember that with victory comes sorrow. las amo, maria patito y manuela. r.i.p. i miss you guys so much. i wish i had had a chance to get to know you guys more. i wish you two had had more time. i wish we had all had more time.

"did you ever wonder what it would be like if you weren't you anymore? if you were suddenly gone? how would your world react? whatever you imagined is wrong. there's nothing romantic about death. grief is like the ocean, it's deep and dark and bigger than all of us. and pain is like a theif in the night."