F. Scott Fitzgerald - "My Lost City"

"I remember riding in a taxi one afternoon between very tall buildings under a mauve and rose sky; I began to bawl because I had everything I wanted and knew I would never be so happy again."

New Years Resolution

I can breathe again, I can breathe again! Literally, I've felt so suffocated for the past few months but I realize now that I'm the only one who's fault that is. I have been so careful to not fall into old patterns and traps but I know now that I am missing a lot of the things that I had. I am finally learning that sometimes it's not always about moving on and forgetting certain things, it is truly about facing every single hardship and just admitting to yourself that in order to truly move on, you must accept they happened. 

You can waste a lot of time blaming others for the bad shit that happens to you and you can spend a lot of your days and nights wondering why it's all happening at all. But truthfully, it won't go away and your headache won't go away until you sit down and realize that you need to take initiative. I can honestly say that I've been shying away from my problems and that I chose a path that not only made my situations worse but also gave me absolutely zero benefits. Staying resentful and bitter leaves you with no reward whatsoever. You must face those hardships. You must grab them and shake them and cry and scream and then...you must silence them. And the only way to silence them, is if you silence yourself. The way to silence yourself is to admit things to yourself. And I have finally admitted things to myself.

This was not all your fault. I am sorry for making you feel that way. This is my fault too. I have been ridiculous. And I know it's taken me a really long time to realize this but, "better late than never." And I will spend a long time repaying you for all the hell you've been through. Not only with me but just...ever. Because that's what we do for each other. You are a fucking great person and I admire you so much.

So, here's my New Years Resolution: I will make it up to you. I owe you that much.

Parents.

"i think its a lot harder for adults to come to realizations and then implement their relizations

because most adults have a concrete view of things

and that they aren't malleable enough to really institute dramatic change

with kids or young people

its a lot easier

we can look at something and say hey, lets fix that we have a whole live ahead of us, we'll build our lives better than they were before now that we have had this realization

with adults its a lot harder

its harder for them to be convinced because i feel people reach a certain point where they think they are at a point of no return

but thats not to say that you can't be an example for them

you are the only one capable of inspiring them

because you are their everything"

Who
would
think
my
life
could
change
this
much?
It's incredible to think one thing can change your entire world.

I really don't know if I'll ever be able to let go of this.

I wish you weren't so fucking complicated.
Your stupid expectations.

"you're obviously really happy now and it's not worth wasting that over worrying about something that is in a while and is gonna be hard to change"

"i know, you only really start to realize it as you get closer and closer to leaving
i think about the city every day

and i think it might just be the most emphatic place in the world

and you know what, at some point you realize

how lucky we have been to grow up here

and to call a place like NYC our home

when my plane was coming in

we flew past all the buildings

and it was absolutely amazing, this place is a man made miracle"

Anya Urcuyo

Literally, I've never seen a girl smack all external opinions and go with pure instincts more than this girl. She literally takes anything that stands in her way and pushes her way through it. Every accomplishment in her life has been rightly deserved. To one of the most important people in my life, I really am so incredibly proud and happy for you for getting into NYU. 

I don't know where you get all that happiness. But anyone can see that every positive emotion is literally bubbling inside of you, waiting to explode. Anyone can tell that you are one of the most sincerely kind people out there. And because of that, you will be successful in everything you do as the years go on. Never lose that charismatic aspect of yourself because it's literally what fuels you as a person and what fuels people around you. I know that if it weren't for you, I probably wouldn't have been able to get through a lot of difficult situations. I really appreciate you as a friend and for being a sister to me. Congratulations, Anya Urcuyo. 

Going back to the Studio

So I'm going back to the studio tomorrow and to be perfectly honest, I am terrified. This time, I'm not just doing some cover of some song. This time, I'm literally recording my own song. Just the piano and I. And it's so scary to think that I can't just be like "Oh it's a cover by so and so." Once this is out there (if it gets put out there), my vulnerability is also out there for grabs. 

The song is called "In Sync." It's written for someone...someone who has pretty much changed a lot for me this year, and in the most positive way possible. This song has probably been the easiest one that I've ever written. That's probably mostly due to the fact that I was completely and utterly inspired and fired up as I was writing it. At first, it wasn't easy at all. Actually, it was kind of hard to sing without choking up and getting  emotional. But then, I sat back on the stool and started writing again and it came to me fluidly. 

So excited. And So frightened. At the same exact time.

Hammock

Why do you sit there, so tranquil and glorious?
The bolts are unhinging
The glass is slowly splitting
But you sit there, curved in a grin
You sit and sit

And then, I sit
The placidness spreads
So I understand
Now I do
That your simple purpose is peace

New Light

Okay so far all I've written about is how badly I just want to get this year over with and leave to go to college. Obviously, I'm excited. But more than ever, I've never wanted to stay here at home so badly. I think it mostly has to do with how perfect my life is right now. I have amazing people in it and great support and I've just never felt so comfortable in my own skin. I think that this is the year where we realize that we're truly running out of time...that we're about to start an entirely new life, a new path and a new personality. So, it's kind of interesting and incredible to see how people are letting themselves develop in ways that four years ago, we probably would've never predicted. People are really taking initiatives to be who they want to be. 

I'd like to think that this year, I'm one of those people who is trying to make out the best of this year. I'm trying not to let anything get in the way of the happiness of those around me and myself. The fact that I've completely recreated my environment and my perspective in only the first three months of senior year makes me wonder about how much more I can make of New York City. This brings me back to my initial thought...I am going to really miss this place. I don't know if if I'll miss the city itself but I think I'll definitely regret not being able to take full advantage of the city. I mean, I still have time left. But New York City is vast and unimaginably never-ending. So, it's difficult to say that I will ever be fully satisfied with how much I've seen of it. 

That's the wonder of NYC. It's the city that doesn't sleep. And perhaps it doesn't sleep because the people in it just don't want to. Every moment of sleep means a moment wasted of taking advantage of its streets, of its people, of its diversity...of its marvels. It keeps us awake. It keeps us alive. It keeps us hungry to discover more of everything around us. And yes, I think that this addiction to learning and exploring is definitely reflected in how people develop their personalities in this city. We are always trying to discover new people and explore new personalities. This city has shaped me. It has taught me that there is never a right answer...there is always a surprise just waiting for you down an alleyway or around a corner. This makes me think that no matter what, we'll always be shocked at points in our live;  there will always be surprises. We don't have all the answers. We will never truly understand ourselves. That's the beauty of it.  We can be who we want to be. New York City has let me do that. And because of this, I will miss this city. I will miss my home.

Singing

I don't know what it is about singing. I just kind of love it. It's the one thing that I like to keep as intimate as possible. I don't like flaunting it, I find a hard time doing it in public. It wasn't up until this year that I actually started singing for a few seconds in front of people. And then I sang in public for the first time like two months ago. Even if it was like four lines, it was a giant step for me. I'm not going to lie, it felt amazing. It felt empowering. And it felt like I was doing something just for the hell of it, just for me...for the first time ever.

Around two weeks ago, I went to a recording studio. It was just my dad, the producer, the microphone and I. Going up there and just doing what I wanted to do was an enriching feeling. It made me feel vulnerable and stripped down but in the most adrenaline-inducing sense. I recorded and recorded and recorded. I felt and heard the beats in every corner of my head.

I want to do this for the rest of my life. Whether it is for myself, or for the public, singing is what I want to do. I've never said this aloud. And I probably never will. But it helps that I'm writing this out because I need to make the promise to myself to not let this go. I've just realized what the point of this blog is. It's to keep every single moment and promise that I make to myself, alive. 

APPLIED

I just applied to five colleges. And wow, the feeling could not be more overwhelming. This day has been amazing. I couldn't be more happy. And thankfully, I have my friends and family to thank for all the support and love.