Three songs you should listen to: Hide and Seek (Murdok Remix) by Imogen Heap, In My Arms by Plumb, and War Sweater by Wakey!Wakey!

Music has taken me places. As long as I remember, instruments and headphones have followed me wherever I go, hand in hand. There are songs that describe my every mood and depending on what mood I'm in, songs form themselves around me. I've been watching this show and I'm not a big believer in television, however, I do watch a lot. To me, a good song, isn't just about the beat or about the rhythm or speed of the song. A song is like any other being, sugarcoated and surfaced with a secretive layer. You can only appreciate a song if you get underneath that layer and really feel the soul of the music. I've learnt this from researching Woodstock, which has to be one of the most historic and motivating events in the world. On the note of impressive things, I've never been impacted by a show as much as I've been impacted by this one. One Tree Hill. the character which I can relate myself most to would Peyton Soyer. She believed in music. Her world wasn't absolute without the surrounding of records. It tears me apart that the music world is a very hard business to get into. But, like Peyton, one day for pure fun, I'd like to create a record label and show the world what I'm made of. But that's just a dream.

"I happen to believe the world will change when we change ourselves. And that starts with finding ourselves. And that starts with listening to ourselves: learning to quiet the clamor in our minds and the voices of everyone around us and move toward what feels right- towards the things we know, for reasons we can't explain, that we're meant to do, the things that will make us feel alive." -KY Cutron

there was a certain beauty to innocence, there really was. however, destiny has chosen otherwise. today is a day, a celebration of rebirth, isn't it?

every day, every second, everyone has a choice. my choice this year has been to commemorate and compensate rather than well...crash. today is a day of misery and disruption for my family. today is in fact, one year since my cousin, maria pato, died. the last time i saw her was maybe seven years ago. she was 10 years old when she died. i live with this regret, not burden, but a wish, that i had gone to see her one more time. so i could remember how her hair formed around her face when she laughed or what it sounded like. instead, i have to look at picture and imagine what could have been. it is because of this that i have come to believe in karma. if i had let go of the ignorance that comes with being a teenager and forgotten how much for granted i took my family to be, if i taken into heart going back to my home country, if my dad had simply gotten his job there one year before, i would've seen her. it is like this that i've thought for the past year. full of regret and hatred for simply not remembering.

two very important people stepped into my life somewhere in these past 12 months. as they slowly and gradually vanish as we get older, i now realize that i'd rather look back at them with bliss rather than melancholy. i don't remember maria pato. i barely do. i remember what we were when we were younger, but i don't remember her for the person she left this world as. i hate myself for it. it wasn't enough for her to leave on christmas, no. the world took away yet another one of my cousins, manuela, on new years eve, six days apart. she was 12 years old when she died. even more, i remember manuela with spite. as young kids, we fought much and competed. the only memory that i have of her makes me ashamed of myself.

don't take anything for granted. the most unexpected people will have the most impact on you. and when you look back at pictures and videos and quotes, i don't want you to feel what i felt. i don't want you to be left with the..."what ifs," as i am left with. i have learned to deal with with the pain and bare remembrance, but what i have learned overall is that one makes mistakes. we are only human. there is only so much stardust for each of us. innocence only reaches out to us so far and then we must face reality. in a way, innocence blinds us for it doesn't prepare us for what we wish for now. innocence didn't prepare me for memories for i lived my life as a kid, unaware of the need that humans need for preservation of moments. however, if i hadn't been simply a child when i had last seen them, i believe i would be more broken than i am now. i would have never been able to move past their exit of the world.

cherish your innocence, but remember that with victory comes sorrow. las amo, maria patito y manuela. r.i.p. i miss you guys so much. i wish i had had a chance to get to know you guys more. i wish you two had had more time. i wish we had all had more time.

"did you ever wonder what it would be like if you weren't you anymore? if you were suddenly gone? how would your world react? whatever you imagined is wrong. there's nothing romantic about death. grief is like the ocean, it's deep and dark and bigger than all of us. and pain is like a theif in the night."

(matthew and i)


when i was younger, i had this country house in conneticut. in fact, it wasn't just any country house. my family shared it with my father's best friend's family, clara, patrick and their kids: sarah and matthew. in total, there were seven of us plus maggie, my favorite labrador. i don't remember full memories because it seems like there's a blind spot in my mind...it's all...blotchy. humans play tricks on themselves, i've noticed. by the time we're ten or eleven, life isn't all about just sitting on swings trying to see how high you can go. or in my case, making robots out of cardboard and bracelets out of dried glue. life becomes much more complicated. suddenly everything turns into chaos, and each and every memory begins colliding with each other until the mind decides to quietly press the delete button on certain of those reminiscent moments. the one image that i have of connecticut is the railway track. perhaps i remember this specific railway track because i used to take the train every single weekend to get there. however, this track was the local one. it ran through the whole town of kent and running with it, on the sides, were beautiful trees of all different colors. matthew and his friend, cooper, were eight years older than me and somedays i'd go out onto the railway track and just walk down it with them. sometimes matthew would put me in this little red and yellow car and let me ride down the steep hill but just as i thought i'd keep rolling and rolling away, he'd put a stop to it. connecticut felt like my second home. most kids in new york city when their younger spend most of their time playing video games, watching movies, playing with old fashioned game boys etc. but, my mom never let me have any of those things so i had to find stuff to do on my own. i learnt how to ride my first bike in connecticut, as well as i created my very first painting there. i learnt to catch bunnies and feed them as well as butterflies and admire them. when it was rainy or too cold, i'd sit in doors and read or warm myself by the fireplace as i colored on sheets of paper all day. but most of all, i learnt how to run. being a city girl, there's not much space to scream and yell and laugh and just race. but in connecticut, the backyard was the field and the woods were spacious. i competed with the wind and reached out my fingers to touch dandelions and thick country air as i sprinted up and down wherever. i had this dog named maggie, well, she wasn't my dog, but she was their dog. since i was simply a child, i was just about her height. i could spend all day with her if i wanted and somehow, everyone trusted her with me. maggie was one of the most charismatic and beautiful dogs that i'll ever know. she never got angry or temperamental, she was (this is cheesy, i know) in one way or another, my friend.

two years ago, my parents, and my dog, anna and i went to connecticut for a visit. we hadn't been there in over three years. everything had changed. my father's best friend had divorced her husband, patrick. however, he had stayed with the house which i so admirably remember. sarah, the daughter, had moved in with mother about ten minutes away. and matthew was now in college. cooper, had left to california to live with his family. patrick (her husband) was lonely, we could see, and old. but he wasn't the only one, so was maggie. when maggie and anna met, we could immediately see that nothing would be the same. it was the first time i had seen maggie snap. the garage which had originally contained all our bikes, cars and games had turned dusty and reeked of oldness. the magic which the house and the fields had once held an aura of had disappeared along with what the seven of us: clara, patrick, sarah, matthew, my mom, my dad, maggie and i had once held. nonetheless, i was surprised to find that it was easy to let go. i had become somewhat ignorant to the past as i grew older and i had learned to come to terms which what i had become, a city girl. this realization may be something that i may not regret right now but i suppose i will in the future. sarah, whom was two years old than me, had become a teenager, and since i was too, neither one of us really cared much for each other anymore. overall, everything had changed.

today, i found one of the shoes that i owned as a child. it's always been hung on the doorknob of my room but i never really took much notice to it. i always wondered why my mom kept it, though. and today, it inspired to write what i've written for my dear old connecticut. as we get older, memories begin to fade in and out and being alive for only 15 years so far, it shocks me that i cannot even remember things that happened less than five years ago. hoping to live the life time of a regular human being, i have learnt to prepare myself for what i'll forget and remember as i grow older. i've learnt that only certain memories stay with you, certain memories that will change your vision on who you are today. no matter how much you try to avoid amnesia towards your past, it stays with you. it engraves you and stays printed within you until the day you decide to face it. only then, will it become you.

(matthew and i again)

this post is directed towards one person who i know needs an exit from imaginary isolation, and an entry back into the world where (we) all love you

-Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince


"Deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope." -Elizabeth Gilbert

"Music is a safe kind of high." - Jimi Hendrix

"Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough." -Emily Dickinson

"Happy girls are the prettiest." -Audrey Hepburn

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to really know where you stand." -Hayley N. Williams

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it." -Groucho Marx

"You have five minutes to wallow in the delicious misery: enjoy it, embrace it, discard it...and proceed." -Claire Colburn

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." -Robert Frost

"You're alive, act like it." -Kennedy Brock

"Happiness does not mean that everything is perfect; it just means that you have decided to look past the imperfections." -Unknown

"Make a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want, everything you want. Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true. You never know where the next miracle is going to come from. The next smile, the next wish come true. But if you believe that it’s right around the corner, and you open up your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it, you just might get the thing you’re wishing for. The world is full of magic. You just have to believe in it. So make your wish. Do you have it? Good. Now believe in it, with all of your heart." -Lucas Scott, One Tree Hill

"Look how the stars shine for you." -Unknown

"Anyone can hide. Facing up to things, working through them, that's what makes you strong."-Sarah Dessen

"I Don't Want to Be, Gavin DeGraw"

I don't need to be anything other
Than a prison guard's son
I don't need to be anything other
Than a specialist's son
I don't have to be anyone other
Than the birth of two souls in one
Part of where I'm going, is knowing where I'm coming from

[Chorus:]
I don't want to be
Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms
Wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn
Am I the only one who noticed?
I can't be the only one who's learned!

[Chorus]

Can I have everyone's attention please?
If you're not like this and that, you're gonna have to leave
I came from the mountain
The crust of creation
My whole situation-made from clay to stone
And now I'm telling everybody

[Chorus]

I don't want to be [x4]

i was planning on writing something genuinely deep but i can't come up with anything today. i'm in one way or another, stuck. there's no such thing as writer's block in my head, because i am sitting here writing some shit right? i have this best friend and he and i are two of the most complicated beings on earth. it's flabbergasting. we're the best of friends one day and the we can't even stand each other the next. there are days where we try to be smart asses, supercilious and all, beating around the bush about what we're trying to signal each other. however, at the end of the day we just begin and end talking about the most psychological mind fucking shit. i've learned to make the english language beautiful because of him. he has this way of making even the most simplest phrases elegantly pleasant. "And then the sky turned red," he said one day and ever since then I've learned to appreciate the scenery around me rather than moving with it like every other being as if it was simply...well...scenery. i don't think i've ever been more hurt by a person than him, and i guarantee the situation is vice versa but then again, i've never been made...happy...by someone. i guess, we just care. there's no other reason to it honestly, we just f.u.c.k.i.n.g care. he's taught me family, he's taught me home. and like one of my best friends recited in one of her blogs, ohana. he's taught me ohana. and like family, although we'll dispute about the most childish things or the most impacting things, it's as if we're bound by blood. we will always come back to each other in times of need. ohana. there are moments like the one we are experiencing at this very second where we don't say much but without words, we tend to say it all. and that is when you know somebody, when you know each and every thought on someone's mind. through the clouds, boundaries, walls and all, there's still some kind of clear path where you can read that person's thoughts, sus pensamientos, how i can see yours, how you can see mine.

thank you.

All that is Me

Your past;
It defines you.
It's become your aura.
I felt it, it embraced me.
I didn't come close to understanding,
I understood it.
For simply that,
I don't feel vengeance,
I feel sympathy.
And I wish you well on your way.
Precociously though,
you're bound to face much soliloquy.
I'll remember you
and all that I see in me, that is you.
Hasta Mañana.

"Shattered," by Trading Yesterday


Yesterday I died, tomorrow's bleeding
Fall into your sunlight
The future's open wide beyond believing
To know why hope dies
Losing what was found, a world so hollow
Suspended in a compromise
The silence of this sound is soon to follow
Somehow sundown

And finding answers
Is forgetting all of the questions we call home
Passing the graves of the unknown

As reason clouds my eyes, with splendor fading
Illusions of the sunlight
And the reflection of a lie will keep me waiting
Love gone for so long

This day's ending is the proof of time killing all the faith I know
Knowing that faith is all I hold

And Ive lost who I am
And I can't understand
Why my heart is so broken
Rejecting your love
Without love gone wrong
Life
Less words
Carry on

But i know
All i know
Is that the ends beginning

Who I am from the start
Take me home to my heart
Let me go
And I will run
I will not be silenced

All this time spent in vain
Wasted years
Wasted gain
All is lost
Hope remains
And this war's not over

Theres a light
Theres the sun
Taking all the shattered ones
To the place we belong
And his love will conquer

And Ive lost who I am
And I can't understand
Why my heart is so broken
Rejecting your love
Without love gone wrong
Life
Less words
Carry on

But i know
All i know
Is that the ends beginning

Who I am from the start
Take me home to my heart
Let me go
And I will run
I will not be silenced

All this time spent in vain
Wasted years
Wasted gain
All is lost
Hope remains
And this war's not over

Theres a light
Theres the sun
Taking all the shattered ones
To the place we belong
And his love will conquer all
Yes his love will conquer all

Yesterday I died, tommorrows bleeding
Fall into your sunlight

it truly blows my mind when people say that their teacher didn't teach them this or that. if a teacher hands you a textbook (in some cases, many), then what in fucking hell are you doing with it? do you just let it sit there and gather dust? if you didn't learn something, then go out and explore it, APPREHEND IT. holy shit. i've had a lot of bad teachers in my life but there's only one that i complained about and i truly wish i hadn't. if there are people in your class getting straight A's and B's, then obviously, you're the one that is doing something wrong. if you have an exam, then ask your teacher, it's not that hard...but don't complain after the exam is done that you're teacher didn't teach you anything. shut up....

"Goodbye my lover," by James Blunt
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

"Out of my Mind," by James Blunt

Judging by the look on the organ-grinder,
He'll judge me by the fact that my face don't fit.
It's touching that the monkey sits on my shoulder.
He's waiting for the day when he gets me,
But I don't need no alibi - I'm a puppet on a string.
I just need this stage to be seen.
We all need a pantomime to remind us what is real.
Hold my eye and know what it means.

I'm out of my mind.

Judging by the look on the organ-grinder,
He'll judge me by the fact that my face don't fit.
It's touching that the monkey sits on my shoulder.
He's waiting for the day when he gets me,
But I won't be your concubine - I'm a puppet not a whore.
I just need this stage to be seen.
Will you be a friend of mine to remind me what is real?
Hold my heart and see that it bleeds.

I'm out of my mind.

"High" by James Blunt

Beautiful dawn - lights up the shore for me.
There is nothing else in the world,
I'd rather wake up and see (with you).
Beautiful dawn - I'm just chasing time again.
Thought I would die a lonely man, in endless night.
But now I'm high; running wild among all the stars above.
Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me.

Beautiful dawn - melt with the stars again.
Do you remember the day when my journey began?
Will you remember the end (of time)?
Beautiful dawn - You're just blowing my mind again.
Thought I was born to endless night, until you shine.
High; running among all the stars above.
Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me.

Will you be my shoulder when I'm grey and older?
Promise me tomorrow starts with you,
Getting high, running wild among all the stars above.
Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me.

illusions

the white line that you will see in these pictures is in fact the moon captured at extremely show slutter speed.
the blurry gold/orangey circles and abstract lines are buildings from the alhambra in granada, spain.
i really fucking love photography.
the best thing about it that i realized a couple days ago when taking pictures of a basketball game is that since i'm nearsighted, i can't see from afar. but because of the camera, it served as my focus and i could see clearly.
cameras are literally, my third eye, my perfect eye.

dear youknowwhoyouare,

you impress me, you truly do. i saw you cry and i cried too because you hadn't cried for the longest time, or so I could tell. You cried but not for yourself, you cried because you wanted someone to reach out. and for that split second i was there but i can tell that you think i'm not always fully there. like my mind is somewhere else, deep somewhere else. oh reckless abandon, that's what i've become. but i'm sorry for my rights. what a lie. for my wrongs.

Darkroom Photography (Location:FIT)

These are some examples of the photos that I took and later developed in what I now know as my favorite place on earth: The Darkroom. :)






How do I even begin to explain about how much I fell in love with my classes over the summer? The class was over a course of a month, meeting four times each week, four hours a day. Luckily, they were not in the morning and were simply at noon. Fashion Institute of Technology...I would recommend it to anybody, however, the classes tend to be a little bit pricey. Nonetheless, they are great classes full of artistic professors. Some examples of the classes? Darkroom Photography, Digital Photography, Interior Designing, Party Planning and Making, Puppet Doll Making, Toy Making, Fashion Design Pre Classes...Just about anything. The college is located on 27th between 7th and 8th and actually takes up four buildings. It was amazing. I met all kinds of new people from ages 13 to 19. The best thing is that the college is filled with everything but arrogance. Admiration towards artists is the only thing represented, therefore, any artists whether you're an amateur or advanced feel comfortable. At the end of the summer course you get a grade. However, I was so intrigued by the program, I worked by myself hard and had a good time with it without even thinking about acing.

Today, Mr. Afshinnekoo told me that humans are made of stardust.
I laughed, she laughed. We all laughed but I couldn't help but wonder..