I’m not afraid of the dark

We’ve been here before.
Fallen on hard times, honey
We’ve fallen on swords.
But if a long shadow
Falls across your heart
I’ll be right here with you
I’m not afraid of the dark.

-"Long Shadows" by Josh Ritter

in september of 2009, i entered high school and now that I'm into my second year of high school, there is nothing else to describe what i feel besides the word; shocked. the person who i've become, whether or not people have noticed, is completely different than the person before that specific september.

revolving myself around new people and relying on myself rather than on others became my two main priorities. the transition from 8th grade to 9th grade was impressively smooth. one of my friends, now, very best friend, accepted me into his life and slowly, welcomed me into his friends circle. they're now, my closest friends. i kept one good friend from middle school and although last year we had a horrible and unspoken phase, we are now close again and have been for the past 6 months. i became indifferent to my past life and i was reborn.

many people tend to describe me along these three words: blasé, unresponsive and strong. for this, i will explain myself. i am blasé, unintentionally. i am just nonchalant because i choose what i fight for. i do not pick and unfold at every corner. people have insulted me and judged me in my past and present for just about everything. mostly, what i've learned is that people will pick at whatever they can. i've been criticized for being too sensitive and also unbreakable. so at what point do you become regarded? i have learned the answer to this. you simply have to choose which you love best and soon you will love yourself, and others will not overlook this charm. so when adults say "be yourself," or "do you," they are not bullshitting you. what other choice do you have?

i am unresponsive, unintentionally. unconsciously, completely. however, avoidable, not at all. i become unresponsive only when i deny myself the hurting of others for my own defense. it is impossible to speak and share my words if it means it will mostly grief them. this part of me is meek, for i have not yet conquered it. and somehow, i love this part of myself. it shows my weakness and for this, people (by now reading this) know that i am not always trying to involuntarily put up a wall.

i am strong, unexpectedly. being strong is projected through voice. one can be witty inside one's mind but if one can not be clear and brave when speaking, then what is the point of pretending to be courageous? this is the key to independence, in my opinion. but, "with victory comes glory." along with being strong, one could easily fall into a tendency of being arrogant. sometimes, i catch myself giving off this part of myself and immediately become blasé and unresponsive, both at once. then again, i'd rather be tough than outspoken.

so why the fuck can i relate myself to "lucky" by britney spears?

Indifference

hermes sent a message in a bottle

across the universe it ran

secured and locked as a throttle

the revelation of my camouflage began

i don't mind being alone at all

i find it rather serene

when tears turn into a waterfall,

life slowly becomes obscene

however, when i become mindless

i become repelled to my dismay

for this i have noticed, to this i must confess

my shadow and i, alone. alone is where i'll stay

Counting all different ideas drifting away

Past and present they don’t matter

Now the future’s sorted out

Watch her moving in elliptical patterns

Think it’s not what you say

What you say is way too complicated

For a minute thought I couldn’t tell how to fall out

It’s twenty seconds till the last call

You’re going hey hey hey hey hey hey

Lie down you know it’s easy

Like we did it over summer long

And I’ll be anything you ask and more

You’re going hey hey hey hey hey hey hey

It’s not a miracle we needed

No I wouldn’t let you think so

Fold it, fold it, fold it, fold it

Girlfriend, oh your girlfriend is drifting away

Past and present 1855 -1901 †

Watch them built up a meteor tower

Think it’s not gonna stay anyway

Think it’s overrated

For a minute thought I couldn’t tell how to fall out

It’s twenty seconds till the last call

You’re going hey hey hey hey hey hey

Lie down you know it’s easy

Like we did it over summer long

And I’ll be anything you ask and more

You’re going hey hey hey hey hey hey hey

It’s not a miracle we needed

No I wouldn’t let you think so

Fold it, fold it, fold it, fold it

"there was a new girl in town, she had it all figured out"

Together forever, never apart. Maybe in distance but never at heart.

"you've got to got to bounce"

nothing distracts me anymore. i choose what bothers me and what doesn't. i want what i want and any obstacles in my way... well there are none. at least in my head that's how it should be. you create the obstacles. there are none if you have it clear in your head where you want to go. i won't be taken aback by something such as the vanity of a selfish life. then again, i shouldn't be like this. i should let myself sway with the ocean and let myself get slightly closer to the sunset each day instead of riding right towards it. the beauty of swaying is the embrace of the curves and the reality of the light that hits you each time you glide around a wave. obstacles give you the time to ponder, to feel, to exist but without them, you might feel but you can't articulate or ignite the words within. numb. yeah, that's what it is. i'm numb. concussional is what i've become, unable to speak, however, able to sense the aura, the ambience. and the presence of this determination has taken all the courage i have left, becoming easy to pretend. "i really fucked it up this time. didn't i, my dear?"

"we don't waste no precious time"

i'm hooked onto the song teenage crime by adrian lux.

specifically, the axwell remix. however, i'm also hooked

on the dubstep remixes like this one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wb2UTLuVxw

why the fuck do teachers have to pretend like they know how

to teach originality or inspiration? you can't...those two things

should come to a person as a second nature. you can't just

teach a person to "do their thing."

"You have a purple heart.

Purple hearts are strong & ambitious. You are probably a go getter & full of energy. You have somewhat of a childish side but, you know when to be serious as well. You like the finer things in life. You have a lot of pride and dignity. You carry yourself well and present yourself in a respectful manner. People often admire you for you sense of style but, that's not all. Others look up to you because you have a caring heart and soul. Purple signifies romance & favorable feelings. On the negative side Purple hearts can be "gloomy" at times, have sad feelings or feelings of frustration & sometimes anger."

some examples of my photos:

Flickers Would Suffice

I whirl around in circles.
White light surrounds me as if I were caught in a photograph.
Not a photograph of my past, not a photograph of the present.
But—simply, a photograph of what I envision.
A scene of sequence, one that is unadorned—
Like circles.
The grey scale phenomenon of my milieu causes me to cringe
The dissimilarities are too many
But I don’t stop, because like a child, I’m alone but reminiscent of this scene
The velocity in which I rub and twirl matches the room.
Spinning.
Like a circus, as if surreal.
White glows appear in front of me, dancing
Vigorously springing, bending down to plies and it seems to me that they are simply mocking me for the lack of recognition I fail to give them.
Joining them would be nice, I could only imagine.
Concentration, like them—
Concentration would be good.
And so I focus, or at least I try.
I pick up the pace again,
But suddenly, the flashes pick me up and sweep me away.
I notice the clock and it suddenly emphasizes the 12:12
The patterns of the numbers startle me—
Just like every other whom is foreign to sequence
And so, I reach out to turn off the numbers
but my hands collide with an invisible wall
Numbness. Neon lights. Northern lights.
Squares and illumination.
Glints, flashes and colors.
But I wish to dream in black and white.
Turn it off.
Turn it on.
Either one, would be nice.
“Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice.”
I say that the world will end in flickers.
Flickers that glisten too fast for you to analyze.
Musing wastes time.
And time is something I’d rather not endure when waiting to go.
So let me disagree with you.
If it ended in fire or ice, that would not suffice.
For those two let you linger too long and let you acknowledge what is burning, what is freezing.
Flickers, Mr. Frost.
Flickers would suffice.