F. Scott Fitzgerald - "My Lost City"

"I remember riding in a taxi one afternoon between very tall buildings under a mauve and rose sky; I began to bawl because I had everything I wanted and knew I would never be so happy again."

New Years Resolution

I can breathe again, I can breathe again! Literally, I've felt so suffocated for the past few months but I realize now that I'm the only one who's fault that is. I have been so careful to not fall into old patterns and traps but I know now that I am missing a lot of the things that I had. I am finally learning that sometimes it's not always about moving on and forgetting certain things, it is truly about facing every single hardship and just admitting to yourself that in order to truly move on, you must accept they happened. 

You can waste a lot of time blaming others for the bad shit that happens to you and you can spend a lot of your days and nights wondering why it's all happening at all. But truthfully, it won't go away and your headache won't go away until you sit down and realize that you need to take initiative. I can honestly say that I've been shying away from my problems and that I chose a path that not only made my situations worse but also gave me absolutely zero benefits. Staying resentful and bitter leaves you with no reward whatsoever. You must face those hardships. You must grab them and shake them and cry and scream and then...you must silence them. And the only way to silence them, is if you silence yourself. The way to silence yourself is to admit things to yourself. And I have finally admitted things to myself.

This was not all your fault. I am sorry for making you feel that way. This is my fault too. I have been ridiculous. And I know it's taken me a really long time to realize this but, "better late than never." And I will spend a long time repaying you for all the hell you've been through. Not only with me but just...ever. Because that's what we do for each other. You are a fucking great person and I admire you so much.

So, here's my New Years Resolution: I will make it up to you. I owe you that much.

Parents.

"i think its a lot harder for adults to come to realizations and then implement their relizations

because most adults have a concrete view of things

and that they aren't malleable enough to really institute dramatic change

with kids or young people

its a lot easier

we can look at something and say hey, lets fix that we have a whole live ahead of us, we'll build our lives better than they were before now that we have had this realization

with adults its a lot harder

its harder for them to be convinced because i feel people reach a certain point where they think they are at a point of no return

but thats not to say that you can't be an example for them

you are the only one capable of inspiring them

because you are their everything"

Who
would
think
my
life
could
change
this
much?
It's incredible to think one thing can change your entire world.

I really don't know if I'll ever be able to let go of this.

I wish you weren't so fucking complicated.
Your stupid expectations.

"you're obviously really happy now and it's not worth wasting that over worrying about something that is in a while and is gonna be hard to change"

"i know, you only really start to realize it as you get closer and closer to leaving
i think about the city every day

and i think it might just be the most emphatic place in the world

and you know what, at some point you realize

how lucky we have been to grow up here

and to call a place like NYC our home

when my plane was coming in

we flew past all the buildings

and it was absolutely amazing, this place is a man made miracle"