Love this photo, i don't know why

Cognitive Dissonance

"...If people undertook a task that they normally would have found quite interesting and enjoyable, but did so while expecting to be rewarded for their efforts, they might engage in a bit of private cognitive analysis complementary to that shown by subjects in the dissonance experiments. That is, they might decide that they had engaged in the relevant task in order to obtain the promised reward, and therefore come to view the behavior in question as less attractive in its own right. In other words, they would come to view such behavior as a means to an end rather than an attractive end in itself, and thereafter, in the absence of a prospect for reward, show relatively little inclination to engage in the task."

This is literally why I've been unable to fully submerge myself in music. At least, academically, or a career level. If I take away the relation that I have with music right now, which is a loving, inspiring level...then I feel as though I might ruin it altogether for myself.

Nearing 20

I have 5 months until I turn 20 and I'm not going to lie, I can already feel all the changes I want to make once I finally enter my 20's.
Out with the old, in with the new.

Writing

I realized today that I haven’t actually taken time to write. To be creative. To thrive on everything that I know to thrive on. For a while now, I haven’t been able to sit down. Quite, simply because I don’t have the time. And now I realize that that is just the older version of me talking. As you get older, I guess you don’t have time. Or you don’t make time. I’ve chosen things that have taken time away from it. I don’t want to keep making that mistake anymore because writing is the one thing that I’ve always known how to do. Whether it’s good writing or bad writing, I just always know how to write and write and write and write until I can barely breathe anymore. I find myself here on this bus and all I really want to do is feel the click of each key on this laptop click again and again. And maybe that doesn’t make much sense to anyone, but all I know is that I get a certain pleasure out of being able to put my thoughts out on paper. It’ll be something that everyone gets to see – to read. Or maybe, it’ll be something that I show no one. The crazy thing about writing is that it doesn’t have to be for anyone and it’ll still be just as satisfying.

I’m always entangled in my thoughts. All the time. And sometimes, speaking about it won’t even help. Every now and then, I can’t make sense out of anything and I just decide to start typing. This may be artificial. But I’ll keep hitting the back button and rewriting what I want to say. This is much like a writer’s process – believe it or not, authors don’t just sit down and finish a book overnight like in the movies. Writers tend to work on their pieces for extended pieces of time: fixing, tweaking, rewriting, changing… And it’s in those moments when everything falls into place for me. When I can see what I am feeling in written words, when they come together in a logical way that I can make sense of, that’s when it’s most satisfying.

Thinking about a month from now
Thinking about July
Think about now
Please just concentrate on now
This is literally the only way you can keep from going insane

The Summer Plan

• Land in Tel Aviv June 24th
• Zagreb on June 27th
• Milan July 2nd
• Florence July 5th
• England (?) July 8th (ish)
• Tuscany mid July
• Tel Aviv again July 22nd
• Home July 25th

So excited...

stop making a big deal out of the little things, let's get carried away