Dear 2017,
I've been thinking a lot lately about everything that I'm so lucky to have.
I have a friend and she's been feeling tormented over the past 5 months about something that she's done that she can't actually confess to anyone about. I've imagined everything possible.
But she's ashamed, she's hurt people, and she doesn't think anyone will see her the same.
She's lost two friends for doing something supposedly unforgivable.
I want everyone in this world to know that my biggest realization of 2016 is the value of coming clean. Consequences, issues, anything that you make up in your head during the time that you can't find it in you to confront something takes more of a toll on you than actually confronting it.
But the people that will stand by you in times of need and the ones that care about you most won't abandon you when the going gets really tough.
So I'm praying all the time for her. Because I realize how hard it must be to not feel stable. To lose friends. To not spend the holidays with your family. And if not your family, at least with the ones you care about the most. There's nothing more horrible than realizing that you've been abandoned, feeling alone, feeling hopeless.
But you have to hustle.
You have to want to be happy.
You need to battle the depression, the issues.
You need to come clean.
Not for anyone else but for you.
Because then you'll never move on.
And a new year will turn the corner and you'll still be in last year's dynamics.
So come clean, I beg of you.
Get it off your back, realize that you're forgivable.
The next step won't be easy.
But nothing is permanent!
Come clean.
I hope 2017 treats you well my friend.
You deserve it.
And I hope you know that I forgive you already, for whatever it is.
Because everyone deserves support and love and family.
In whatever shape or form they're in, you deserve that.
Love,
P
Dec 11, 2016
Oct 11, 2016
Oct 5, 2016
Haven't written in here for a while.
Sometimes I think about it and I can only write in here when things aren't going too well. I realized that I have trouble putting things into words so writing has always been the solution to that. But guess what? Everything has been fine.
The past summer was soul searching. It was getting to know myself front and back. It was getting to know another person in the same way. Never have I had so much information on personalities, on interactions, on conversations, on situations. Everything seems so clear to me. The only thing that isn't clear still is how to express myself. I can analyze, observe, understand. But can I explain? I don't know...
Sometimes I think about it and I can only write in here when things aren't going too well. I realized that I have trouble putting things into words so writing has always been the solution to that. But guess what? Everything has been fine.
The past summer was soul searching. It was getting to know myself front and back. It was getting to know another person in the same way. Never have I had so much information on personalities, on interactions, on conversations, on situations. Everything seems so clear to me. The only thing that isn't clear still is how to express myself. I can analyze, observe, understand. But can I explain? I don't know...
May 12, 2016
Just some thoughts
A human thing that is really mind blowing to me:
We engage in defensiveness so much. But what's really crazy is looking back at an unhealthy point of your life and realizing how much you did to protect its existence. I don't know if that makes sense? But my mom was reminding me a couple days ago how much I used to defend this particular situation that was going on with me. And I realize now that when you are trying to stay sane and healthy, you'll do anything to see something with a more positive/defensive perspective. What else can we really do?
But now I ask myself this: How much of my life do I want to spend defending something that isn't healthy for me? How am I supposed to recognize that I'm in denial?
These are just thoughts...but it's just crazy to me how we can be our own worst enemies. We trick ourselves into thinking things and we're very adamant about blocking out truths.
We engage in defensiveness so much. But what's really crazy is looking back at an unhealthy point of your life and realizing how much you did to protect its existence. I don't know if that makes sense? But my mom was reminding me a couple days ago how much I used to defend this particular situation that was going on with me. And I realize now that when you are trying to stay sane and healthy, you'll do anything to see something with a more positive/defensive perspective. What else can we really do?
But now I ask myself this: How much of my life do I want to spend defending something that isn't healthy for me? How am I supposed to recognize that I'm in denial?
These are just thoughts...but it's just crazy to me how we can be our own worst enemies. We trick ourselves into thinking things and we're very adamant about blocking out truths.
May 8, 2016
Something I never thought I'd find on Mother's Day
A Toast to All the Brave Kids who Broke Up with Their Toxic Moms
But there is time—so much time—after infancy for a mother to become the secure base that a child needs to cope with the world. With each phase of life, from childhood to adolescence to early adulthood, the bad mother gets a new chance at grace. Yet how often can a person endure the type of disappointment inflicted by a bad mother? Susan Griffin writes in the last line of her poem “Bad Mother”: “she drives with all her magic down a different route to darkness.”
Feb 2, 2016
Feb 1, 2016
Jan 26, 2016
Night by Tony Judt
http://www.nybooks.com/articles/2010/01/14/night/
"I suppose I should be at least mildly satisfied to know that I have found within myself the sort of survival mechanism that most normal people only read about in accounts of natural disasters or isolation cells. And it is true that this disease has its enabling dimension: thanks to my inability to take notes or prepare them, my memory—already quite good—has improved considerably, with the help of techniques adapted from the “memory palace” so intriguingly depicted by Jonathan Spence. But the satisfactions of compensation are notoriously fleeting. There is no saving grace in being confined to an iron suit, cold and unforgiving. The pleasures of mental agility are much overstated, inevitably—as it now appears to me—by those not exclusively dependent upon them. Much the same can be said of well-meaning encouragements to find nonphysical compensations for physical inadequacy. That way lies futility. Loss is loss, and nothing is gained by calling it by a nicer name. My nights are intriguing; but I could do without them."
"I suppose I should be at least mildly satisfied to know that I have found within myself the sort of survival mechanism that most normal people only read about in accounts of natural disasters or isolation cells. And it is true that this disease has its enabling dimension: thanks to my inability to take notes or prepare them, my memory—already quite good—has improved considerably, with the help of techniques adapted from the “memory palace” so intriguingly depicted by Jonathan Spence. But the satisfactions of compensation are notoriously fleeting. There is no saving grace in being confined to an iron suit, cold and unforgiving. The pleasures of mental agility are much overstated, inevitably—as it now appears to me—by those not exclusively dependent upon them. Much the same can be said of well-meaning encouragements to find nonphysical compensations for physical inadequacy. That way lies futility. Loss is loss, and nothing is gained by calling it by a nicer name. My nights are intriguing; but I could do without them."
Jan 24, 2016
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